Chapter 16: Carter

Okay, I can do this.

I can do this.

…

But I don’t want to do this.

I don’t want to believe that Genny is here, especially since Levi never told me the truth about what’s really going on. Genny, if I talk to you, will you tell me what happened?

…

Grabbing onto the silver doorknob, I lowered it before entering in, facing the reality I didn’t want to: Genny lying on a stretcher, wearing a white patient dress, a heart monitor on her right and a blood bag on her left, only to reveal a bandage of gauze extending from the inside of her right elbow to her right wrist. What happened?

Genny, I thought that what we had was good.

…

“What happened?” I ask her as I walk towards her left, only to sit there and grasp her left hand. Those hands of hers. They were so pale, like a modern-day Snow White, yet I knew that she had magic in them. She truly had magic in them - when she would play piano and massage people, magic just flowed from her. I know I can state that, because I’ve been on the receiving end. But I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her - I truly love her. “Carter - do you really want to know?” She asked me with a gentle tone of voice rising inside of her. All I wanted to do was bury my head in the floor, but it wouldn’t do any good - because no matter where I turn, I’ll constantly be reminded that Genny was badly hurt, and there was nothing I could do about it. 

It was horrible when Anthony had hit her back in early February - I knew that slap was meant for me. The look in his face was saying it all: red hot rage boiling inside of him to a point he couldn’t hold it in anymore, only to release it all on Genny. She shouldn’t have been on the receiving end of that slap. “Did Anthony hurt you again?” I ask Genny, looking at that face of hers, feeling the heaviness of my tears pull me down to the ground - or if not the ground, then at least the stretcher. But when I look at her face, I don’t see a face of pain. I see a face of wonder and amazement - “Oh Genny, has anyone ever told you that you have captivating eyes that pull people in? Your eyes are what keep me going. Whenever I look at you, you truly make me feel at home,” I started to tell her as I was looking straight at those mysterious eyes of hers. I knew it was true. However, the only thing she did was bring her left hand up from my grasp, only to lightly brush that gentle hand of hers through my short dark brown hair that needed a comb desperately. “You don’t need to say anything,” she tells me before leaning in towards me, letting me grasp onto those red lips of hers that I grasped before. 

Genny, if times get hard, I’ll be here - no matter what. I can’t stop grasping onto her lips, they were so full of life that I just didn’t want to stop, yet one part of me knew that I needed to. But Genny, when I grasp those lips of yours, the world finally feels right, like peace has been restored in the world and that love is around us. Genny, you remind me that no one is alone - your lips remind me that. Genny, your eyes. They pull people in as if they’re a mystery waiting to be told. Your hands, they tell a story when you use them - whether it’s playing a Sonata on the piano or massaging someone’s back. Genny, if I was supposed to be with anyone, it’s you. I know that life can get tough, but I can’t stand the thought of losing her. I’ve heard numerous people in my life say that things happen for a reason, and I’d like to believe that’s true. I kept coming back into Genny’s life - first time with Levi, second time with Charlotte, and now with Church, only for me to fall for her when I least expected it. 

I had found her absolutely adorable with her behaviour. When I came back into her life for the third time, (in her early grade 11, so Genny had her aquamarine hair) they had a small dog: a male Scottish terrier named Barrett. When Karen, Eliana, and I were over at Genny’s place for a visit, I had found her absolutely adorable when she would pick him up and try to introduce Barrett to me, only to watch them cuddle on the grey leather sectional they had in the living room. Sadly, Barrett ran away and died from a collision with a car soon after that. However, that was the first time I sort of started to fall for her. I had told myself to brush it off, but my feelings for her slowly started to come back, so I started to tease her a little, especially ever since she broke her toe dancing to the latest song that came out back then. I tried to suppress my feelings for her, but they just weren’t going away - no matter how much I tried to focus on Erica and Tyler and Shawn. 

“Carter? Are you okay?” Genny asks me. Having Erica, Tyler, and Shawn coming into my mind while kissing Genny, reminds me that I still have them, and I shouldn’t be jeopardizing my friendship with Genny just because of a mindless fling. “Genny - I think we’re better off as friends,” I tell her words I never wanted to tell her. I wanted to be with her, but I couldn’t risk Erica finding out the truth, because if she does, Erica could easily act out at Genny, and I can’t risk losing her. “What?” Genny asks rather startled, lowering her left hand from me. “Genny, I don’t want to lose you, but if Erica finds out about this, she’ll kill you, and I can’t risk that. So for the time being we’ll just be friends. I don’t want to lose what we have, I quite like this, but I need to focus on my family,” I told her as my voice started to break. 

“Oh really? Like you’ve done time and time again?”

“Those were difficult times.”

“No. This is a difficult time - not like before. I’m not Lydia, or even your wife, I am my own self”.

“And that’s why I like you”.

“No. You’re only saying that so I’ll believe you. It took me awhile to forgive you for what you did to me”.

“Genny, if I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t be here. If I didn’t have genuine feelings for you, I wouldn’t be here”.

I never wanted to tell Genny that I was going to focus more on my family instead of her, but it’s what she needed to hear. “Carter, please wait!” She yells out with a breaking voice as I stood up and walked towards the door, not wanting to show my tears anymore. I was already tired of crying, that I just wanted to go home and not say anything to anyone. However, turning back to face her, those eyes of hers were clearly under a storm of tossing and turning waves, not wanting to end - catching my attention. “Can you pass me that book and a pen?” She asks me, pointing towards an orange book that was on a moveable table at the foot of the stretcher. Grabbing the book, I pass it towards her, and finally going through my left pocket of my red and black plaid shirt, I find a ballpoint pen and give it to her. 

She pulled up her knees and opened the book, only to rush near the end of the book and start to write something down rather vigorously. However, she ripped the page out and folded it up, only to hand it to me. “Wait till the time is right,” she tells me before I can unfold it and read it. She clearly didn’t want me to read it yet, and so I knew to respect her decision and had put it in my shirt pocket - hopefully she’ll explain to me what’s going on. “Genny, I’m sorry,” I tell her before seeing her look away from me, only to hold onto the orange book with her arms crossing over it. However, she was not responding to me. I crossed the line. 

“If anyone ever says anything about this, act surprised and use Erica as an excuse,” Genny tells me, giving me one final look before darting her eyes across the room and away from me before I stepped out for what felt like the last time. 

What was I thinking?

Why did I tell her that?

I still remember the first time I grasped those lips of hers. It was at the soiree when I had gotten really drunk and I ended up in her bathroom. I keep forgetting how I got in her bathroom in the first place, but I still remember earlier that night. Down in the basement, Karen, Charlotte, Daniel, Erica, Eliana, and Carson were drinking like maniacs. Charlotte was wearing a dark blue feathered strapless ball gown dress that had a sparkly mid, and had her dark brown hair pulled back behind her ears. Erica was wearing the same kind of dress, but instead it was a rather light yellow, and had two strands of her hair dangling on the sides, featuring her stud yellow earrings. Karen was wearing an exact replica of Erica’s dress, but it was only orange, which I still remember commenting on how it went well with her dirty blonde hair that she had curled. Eliana was currently getting changed into her own dress in Genny’s room at the time. After having a couple of beers, I remember walking up the stairs to see if I could find Genny, because she wasn’t in the basement. I was wearing my monkey suit, because I thought it would’ve been the perfect night to tell Genny the truth, but I still remember it coming out wrong. 

When I got to the second level, I found Genny just about heading to the main level. She had her aquamarine hair pulled back, yet it went quite well with the dress she had: a pink dress that had ruffles on the bottom, and laced on the top with ribbons as if it was a medieval dress. “Carter? Are you okay?” I still remember her asking me as I slowly started to wobble around. “Genny I love you,” I remember telling her, hearing my own words coming out of my mouth rather slurred. However, not having control over my own body, I remember leaning in towards her. Since we were at the top of the stairs, Genny had moved us over so that we were near the laundry room, overlooking the living room that was behind us. When I leaned in, I was finally able to grasp those lips of hers for the first time. I still remember the feeling of grasping them - they were so full of life that I knew for sure that I was in love with her. However, out of the corner of my eye was Eliana, wearing a long glitter mermaid prom dress that had a sexy high neck dark purple backless sequin african girl train. It went well with her dark caramel-like skin and long brown hair that she pulled back into a high bun. 

Before she could ask what was going on between Genny and I, she came swooping into the middle of us, separated me from Genny, and from underneath her purple dress, her right knee came swinging towards my crotch as she held onto my shoulders. “Eliana - what the hell was that for?” I still remember asking her in a rather pained voice while covering my crotch as I bent over in excruciating pain. However, she didn’t say anything. Instead, her knee left two holes in my underwear - two places I would rather not say. It was after that, that maybe Genny took me to her room and helped me? I can’t seem to remember how I got in there in the first place. Or maybe what happened was that since there was no bathroom in the basement or main living area that I ended up using her’s? That could be a real possibility. Even though I still remember using the bathroom, my brain just seems to forget what really happened beforehand.

“What the hell were you doing to Guinevere?” I remember Eliana asking me after Genny had headed back to her room. I had originally thought that she was going to go to the basement to see if she could help out - it explained the dress. We have a rule that if you go down to the basement in the middle of one of our parties, even if it’s to check on someone, you have to look nice. Even though Eliana was giving me an unpleasant look from those brown eyes of hers, I knew not to respond to her. “We’re not telling anyone about this,” Eliana had told me after taking a long sigh while pressing her hands against her hair. It was after that when Eliana had walked straight past me and went straight to the basement, that Genny came back into the hallway and helped me up. She still had the dress on, but had something in hand: a damp cloth. 

I do remember her taking me to her bedroom, but she had let me use her bathroom at that time, letting me strip down my pants so I could dampen my penis. “Bathroom’s right there,” she had told me, pointing to her bathroom on the other side of the bedroom. “You didn’t want to do it yourself?” I asked her with a rather curious tone that night. However, she sat on her bed and looked down at the floor. “No matter how tempting it is, I shouldn’t,” she told me before I sat down beside her. “I did mean what I said back there,” I told her, my brain not making a connection with my mouth. “I know. The mind is actually sober when we’re drunk,” she told me, looking up from the floor. “How did you know that?” I remember asking her. “I’ve seen it in play before,” she told me, looking back at the floor. “You were once drunk?” I asked, curious as to how she would know such a thing. “No. But I’ve seen the outcome of what being drunk is actually like,” she told me, slightly lifting her gaze up. “Please, use the bathroom,” she told me, pointing to the bathroom again. Standing from the bed, I did what I could to get to the bathroom without falling over. I didn’t realize that I was in the bathroom for awhile, that just before I wanted to pull up my pants and underwear, Genny came bursting through the door and covering my mouth with her hand before I could formulate a sentence. “Eliana is in my room. I need to turn off the light. Stay in here for about 10 minutes, then you can leave,” I remember her telling me. It was very weird that she was covering for me with Eliana. I wouldn’t have minded Eliana finding me, but then again, she would’ve had massive f-bombs with me that night and out me in front of everyone. Since her hand was still covering my face, I remember it slowly coming down as she stared - and letting me lean in, I was able to lock lips with her for the first time. However, the moment didn’t last long as she needed to turn off the light, get out of the bathroom, and get to sleep.

I stayed in that bathroom for an extra 10 minutes like she asked me too, and when I exited, I wanted to plant a kiss on Genny’s forehead - but then the barrier named Levi came right through. 

But when I leave Genny in the stretcher in the hospital, I feel like I’m saying goodbye to her for the last time - something that I never thought I would do. I don’t know how to get rid of the pit of guilt that’s rising in my stomach, but it’s there. Looking back at her, I can see her through the glass door, caressing the lower part of her stomach ever so softly underneath the book. I can’t hear what she’s saying because of the door separating us, but I want to walk back in and talk to her. I want to take back what I said to her. My family is important to me, but she is also too. I should be allowed to love Genny - and Erica can’t stop me from feeling this way, no matter what she may do to me or Genny, especially if Erica stopped talking to her. Genny is that one friend that I’ve leaned on for the past little while, and I want to do the same for her. I’ve been wanting her to open up about why she dyed her hair aquamarine, and she’s gotten close to it, but I never force her to open up. We work at her own pace, and I’m more than happy to do that. A man who is truly in love will respect the pace you want to take a relationship at. Whether it’s slow or fast, I’ll never force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. There is a big difference between lust and love. Lust is where you put yourself first, and love is where you put the other person first. It took me a long time to realize how I felt for her, and now that I’ve realized that I’ve been in love with her, I need to respect her privacy and even if she does open up, I make sure that no one finds out, even if it means going to extreme measures to make sure that no one finds out her secrets. I’m willing to keep them for her if it’ll keep her safe, and I know she would do the same for me.

Storming back into the room, I notice tears slowly collecting in those blue ocean eyes of hers as she stares at me with her arms crossed over the orange book, knees practically pressing against her stomach. “I take back what I said. I’ll do what I can to make sure that Erica and everyone else doesn’t find out about the two of us, at least for the time being,” I finally tell her, admitting the real feelings I had for her that I wanted to get out for a long time now. Stepping closer to her, I run my right hand gently through the left side of her aquamarine hair, only to see a small twinkle of a spark flutter into her eyes. 

I finally leaned in one last time, and before leaving, I grasped the life out of those lips of hers as if it was the last time I’d ever grasp them. Stepping out of the room, I silently start to prepare myself for what I could possibly say if Charlotte and Daniel decide to drop the bomb of why Genny was here in the first place.