Chapter 17: Charlotte

“Charlotte?” I hear Daniel ask from behind me in the kitchen. I was currently cleaning the dining table with a damp cloth, with the dining room just off to the side of the kitchen, yet it is separated by a small wall. “What is it?” I asked him, yet I personally couldn’t stop thinking about earlier that day. Two weeks ago, Guinevere was in the hospital for attempting a suicide, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her and the constant “what if’s” for if we didn’t get to her in time. My brain couldn’t stand the list, yet it just kept adding more on each day she wasn’t with us. She was in the hospital for at least a week. I’m really glad that Doctor Henshaw was able to bring her back, because I can’t risk the thought of losing her again - because isn’t the parent supposed to die before the child, and not the other way around? “Still thinking about her?” Daniel asks me as he steps in from behind me, making me turn around and place the cloth in his dry hands. “Yeah,” I finally told him after a long sigh came out of me. “I still think about her too. But she’ll come to church with Eliana, so we don’t have anything to worry about,” Daniel reassures me with those blue eyes of his. Those damn blue eyes - I fell for them when we first met. First it was his eyes, then his personality. 

Earlier today Eliana had come by. We had decided to invite Karen, Carson, and Carter over so we could break the news about Guinevere and her attempted suicide alone. However, we couldn’t exactly do that with Guinevere in the house, or at least in her room alone. I was with Eliana in Guinevere’s bedroom when Guinevere was getting changed when I decided to tell Eliana the truth. “She attempted a suicide,” I still remember telling Eliana, pulling her aside so Guinevere couldn’t hear us from the inside of her closet. “I’ll keep an eye on her,” Eliana had told me before the two of them had stepped out of the room, with Guinevere wearing a long pink lace dress that had a pink heart sewn into the chest and had a small black bag wrapped over her left shoulder. Eliana had mentioned that she might take Guinevere shopping, so she’d have to bring a small bag with her if it was necessary. However, I don’t know why, but one part of me thought that as Guinevere left the house I’d never see her again. Soon after the two of them had left, Daniel, Levi, and I slowly started to prepare ourselves for talking to Carter, Karen, and Carson. Levi insisted that he be the one that told them we almost lost her, and I insisted that I explain the situation even though I didn’t know much about it, and Daniel insisted that he talked about being able to get to her in time, even though one part of me kept on thinking about what would’ve happened if he didn’t. 

“Are you okay?” Levi had asked me earlier that day as I said goodbye to Eliana and Guinevere as they left the house. “I will be,” I remember letting out in a sigh, only to turn around to see Levi and Daniel walk towards me, both wearing matching grey shirts that were from different stores. “Carter will be here soon. Levi, I want you to apologize to him,” Daniel had directed towards Levi with those blue eyes of his. Levi telling Anthony something that wasn’t true about Carter was unacceptable, and we don’t practice the sport of “jumping to conclusions” in our household. “Okay,” Levi had let out as he sat on the sectional, staring at the wall of the big window, waiting for a conversation he seemed like he didn’t want to have. About three hours after Guinevere and Eliana had left, Carter was knocking on the front door. I headed to the pool, because I knew it wasn’t my place to get in the middle of the conversation between Levi and Carter. Daniel had let him in, and Carter sat down on the sectional right away as I went to the pool with Daniel following me. 

“How are you holding up?” Daniel had asked as he sat down beside me against the wall that was adjacent to the left of the door when entering - showing me underneath the window looking in from the hall outside. I didn’t want to go in the pool, but I knew I didn’t need to be in the living room. “I’ve been better,” I tell him before leaning my head back against the wall. I don’t know why, but one part of me was seriously starting to regret sending Guinevere with Eliana, but I knew I needed to trust Daniel. He was the one that suggested that Guinevere should not be in the house but not alone, because when we almost lost her, she was in the house and she was alone. What I should’ve done that night was keep her in the living room where Carter, Karen, and Eliana were, instead of watching her walk away, but I was too late. “We’ll get through this together,” Daniel had told me as he reached for my right hand with his left, only to pick it up and kiss it with those faint lips of his. I know I made the right decision marrying Daniel and having kids with him. However, ever since Guinevere had slit her right arm, I started to rethink things. I know I shouldn’t, but this wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t meet Daniel. But there could’ve been other ways to prevent this from happening, even if I did end up with Daniel. I just don’t know what that would’ve been though. 

“Karen and Carson will be here soon,” Daniel tells me before standing up and reaching for the doorknob that leads to the hallway, featuring the garage on his right in front of him and the main entrance on his direct left. After taking a long sigh, I finally stood up - yet I just didn't want to. I didn’t want to tell them the truth. I just wanted everything to go back to the way things were - back when Guinevere had her regular short dark brown hair, red glasses, and wasn’t trying to kill herself. Why? Why can’t I have that back? Life seemed so easy back then - or at least it was.

Stepping into the living room, Carter was standing up from the sectional and was reaching for his black fall coat that was draped over the long end near the fireplace when there was a knock at the door. “Are you guys expecting someone else?” I remember Carter asking as he was putting his coat on. “You might want to take your coat off and sit back down,” I told him before Daniel opened the door and Karen and Carson came through the front door, keeping their shoes on just like Carter. “We understand you guys need to talk to us?” Karen had asked earlier today, taking her pink spring jacket off that buttoned up in the middle, but blended well with her short, wavy, dirty blonde hair and light brown eyes, revealing a short white shirt that tucked into a long tight grey skirt. Carson on the other hand didn’t have a coat. Instead he had on a light grey shirt, the same kind that Daniel was wearing, but had darker jeans on than Daniel’s - yet they seemed to match Carson’s short slicked back brown hair, featuring his blue eyes. “Yes we did - can you guys sit?” I remember asking them, dreading the conversation we would have right away. “Levi?” I remember asking, wanting him to take over the role that I had. I didn’t want to go through with it. Carson and Karen sat on the sectional, but they sat on the part that faced the fireplace, with Carter and Levi on my right and on the long end.  

Levi stood up, and we switched places, so I was now on Carter’s left, backing down like the chicken I am. “Two weeks ago we almost lost Guinevere due to an attempted suicide,” Levi had stated - saying the words that I didn’t want to say to myself, or even hear myself say at all. “What?” Carson and Karen had let out together, but it was rather staggered instead of coming out at the same time. “Is she here?” I still remember Carson asking Levi as he had leaned in towards Levi, taking his right arm off of Karen. “She’s with Eliana,” I remember letting out before the tears started coming out, only to have Carter lean in and give me a hug from the right. “We’ve been trying to figure out why but have been failing to do so,” Daniel had mentioned as he walked from the back of the sectional that faced the kitchen and towards Levi, so he was in between the two of us. “You think we might be able to take a guess?” Carter had asked as tears were slowly dripping down his face, giving me a suggestion I personally never thought of before. “Is it okay?” I ask him, turning my face towards him, only to see those dark brown eyes of his revealing rather sudden tears. “If I’m going to be honest, she acts weird whenever I mention or talk about Erica. Did something happen between the two of them?” Carter had asked after taking a rather paused sigh, reminding me of when Erica and I had met up back in February, especially when she admitted that she would get Guinevere a birthday present but never did. Not knowing how to respond to Carter’s question, I gave a rather mindless look towards Levi and Daniel, hoping that they would’ve been able to respond, but they didn’t. Instead, Levi’s blue eyes darted straight from Daniel’s and towards Carson and Karen. “Carter, you may be onto something. They haven’t talked for a long time,” I still remember Karen telling us as she leaned forward and rested her head in her hands deep in thought. I used to think that I didn’t need to know what happened between Guinevere and Erica, but now I do. “Carter, have you seen or heard anything?” Carson had asked him, yet Carter seemed like he didn’t want to answer the question. He seemed like he already had enough of this charade and that we needed to leave his married life alone. “Are there any other suggestions?” Daniel had asked as Levi sat down on the Tiffany blue rug, facing the two of us from the other side of the glass table. 

I tried to think about other suggestions, but my brain just kept going back to the list of “what if’s” - the last thing my brain needed at that time. “I can’t think of anything,” I had eventually let out, hearing my own voice slowly starting to crack as the lips started to tremble. 

Guinevere, why did you try and kill yourself?

Is there something you’re not telling me?

“Hold on. She was writing in a diary,” I had let out, remembering her putting it away before we talked about why she broke up with Anthony, practically swearing myself off from ever reading it. However, before I could get up, I ended up getting a pleading look from Levi and Carter - acting as if one of them knew something and the other didn’t want me to know something, but I couldn’t pin the specific looks on specific people. “I have seen her put it away before. Do you think it’ll give an answer?” Daniel had asked, revealing that I wasn’t the only one who saw the orange cover of a book. “We hope you have good luck with what you’re looking for,” Karen had let out before she stood up from the sectional. “We weren’t going to be long,” I still remember Carson telling us before the two of them headed to the door. I guess Clyde was waiting for them at home. Carter was the only one left on the sectional out of the three of them. He seemed like he didn’t want to move, but instead wanted to bury his head in the floor and leave it there. “Carter - are you okay?” I asked him earlier, trying to be calm as much as I could. “I’ll be fine. I’ll see you later,” Carter had told us before he stood up, grabbed his coat, and bolted for the door before crying his eyes out in front of us. He must’ve had something with Guinevere, but I just couldn’t pin a note or name on it. 

Now, Daniel and I silently wait to see Guinevere come to church with Eliana. “Charlotte? It’s almost time to leave,” Daniel tells me, reminding me that it was almost time to go. Placing the damp cloth that I had in the sink - Daniel gave it back to me because I wasn’t finished with the table - I turned around to face the granite countertop of an island. One part of me just didn’t want to go. “Guinevere will be there,” Daniel tried to reassure me, yet one part of me refused to believe it. “We’ll be okay,” he tells me before pulling his right hand through his dark dirty blonde hair and eventually grabbing his car keys from his left jean pocket. However, I just didn’t want to go. 

Daniel grabbed my right hand with his left, and slowly walked me past the granite wall that supported the stairs to the second level, only for me to grab my jacket and fall shoes that I desperately needed to get repaired.

Once we were in the car and on the road, we travelled along the small bridge that led us to the main part of town. Past Dickinson’s coffeehouse, the white marble house that resembled a mansion, and the yellow gold mansion, we pulled up to St. Michael’s - the church we go to. It’s a small and quaint church, and it is just tucked into the corner of the entrance to the hospital from the parking lot. When we enter, there is a small staircase that leads up to a small coat area. On the right of the coat area is a small staircase that eventually leads to the chapel. It is not a big church, but can in fact fit a lot of people. There are some pews in front of us, but there are also some on the side, where people can sit down with their kids in front. Our priest has a tendency to ask the kids to join him in homilies around Christmas time, but he hasn’t done that in a while. On the right side of the chapel when entering is where old song books are kept, but they are no longer used. When we finally enter, Erica is seen sitting at the front pew on the right side (before the sitting area), with Tyler and Shawn dancing around like chickens in front of her. Carter was looking through the small corner of old books. However, Erica seems to be sporting a school girl kind of look, wearing a dark purple blouse tucked into blue jeans. I seemed to recognize the shirt though. When Daniel walked up to Carter, I sat beside Erica, needing a better angle of the shirt. I knew I had seen it before, but not on Erica. 

“Why do I recognize that shirt?” I had blatantly asked her, not thinking about what she would say back. “It was Guinevere’s. Carter doesn’t know,” Erica had told me in a rather low whisper so Carter couldn’t hear. Soon after, Karen, Carson, and Clyde came in, wearing the same coats and clothes from earlier that day. “Hey Erica,” Clyde had let out before he sat down beside her, with Karen and Carson on the other side of the church. Clyde was wearing a black fall jacket, only to take it off and reveal a dark red shirt and light blue jeans that matched his dark brown hair and eyes. “Is everything okay?” Clyde had asked Erica, reaching his right arm around her. “Everything’s fine,” Erica had let out rather sternly, forcing his arm off of her. “Why do I recognize that shirt?” Clyde asked rather curiously. I knew I wasn’t the only one that recognized it. “Isn’t it Guinevere’s?” Clyde had asked, finally making me remember when I last saw her wearing it. It was Monday earlier that week, her first day back from the hospital. “Right,” I finally let out a sigh after. “Can everyone just shut up?” Erica asked both of us rather rudely, causing Clyde to stand and walk over to Karen and Carson after saying, “All right. It’s your loss,” only to see Erica look up at Clyde with dazed eyes that looked like they could cry at any second. 

“Everything all right?” I overhear Daniel ask Carter, only to see Carter looking back at Erica, with Carter practically on the verge of crying. However, I couldn’t seem to understand why Erica would have one of Guinevere’s old shirts. She had the shirt in her closet the other day, but now Erica is wearing it? Something was starting to feel off, and I was not enjoying that feeling. 

“When did she give it to you?” I asked Erica, wanting a straight-forward and honest answer right away. “Earlier today,” she had let out rather slowly, causing the last pit in my stomach that I should ever have started to rise inside of me. Standing up from Erica, I finally walk over to Daniel and Carter, only to have Erica slowly follow me. “Charlotte, what’s wrong?” Daniel had asked me, seeing that I was not doing okay. I felt like someone had reached inside of me and torn out my own heart, only to smash it on the ground. Before I could answer, Eliana walked into the chapel, wearing funky blue and white horizontal zig zag pants and a yellow shirt. But she was all alone. 

“Eliana - where’s Guinevere?” Daniel had asked her, seeing the rather smug look on his face go south. “Why are you asking me?” Eliana had let out with a worried tone in her voice as she ran her hands down her dark caramel-like skin. “Is she with you?” Daniel asked Eliana one more time. “No. She was with me earlier,” Eliana tells Daniel, wondering why Daniel’s getting so upset with her. “Yeah that I know of. I saw the two of you together. Do you know where she is now?” Daniel asked, trying to reword it to see if it would formulate an answer that we both want. In fact, I didn’t realize that we were garnering everyone’s attention, as Karen, Carson, and Clyde rushed over to Daniel’s side. “No I don’t” Eliana told him again. “What’s going on?” Clyde tried butting in. “It’s Guinevere,” Eliana tried explaining. “What about her?” Clyde asked. “She’s supposed to be with Eliana!” Daniel had let out in a fit of uncontrollable rage. “And she’s not. What’s the problem here?” Clyde tried asking again. “Look, if it helps you, I did walk her back to the house,” Eliana tried telling him. However it just wasn’t helping him. “She never came into the house!” Daniel had let out, raised, voice breaking, and tears streaming down his face. “What?” Eliana lets out rather startled. “Eliana, what time was it when this happened?” I decided to ask her. Daniel was clearly not handling the situation very well. However, I really shouldn’t have asked her, cause the only option was to hear the words that I never thought would come out of Eliana’s mouth:

“She left hours ago”.