Chapter 13: Levi

“Mom?”

… 

“Mom?”

…

“Mom!” I yell out at Charlotte after standing up from my seat, who was pacing back and forth between two white pillars in front of blue-seated chairs that were facing her, only to have her sit down with Daniel on her right, who wraps his arm around her as he leans in and quietly mutters to her, “We’re going to be okay.” “I refuse to believe that she’s dead,” I hear Charlotte let out as her voice breaks.

The scene keeps playing in my head of us coming to the hospital. Daniel kept Charlotte in the front, as she just wanted to be with Guinevere while Doctor Henshaw was doing what he could to keep her alive. Both Doctor Henshaw and I knew that it would be too much to see Charlotte grasping onto Guinevere in the back - so I decided to stay back there, and now I’m starting to regret my decision. He was pacing back and forth, side to side, in the back of the ambulance. Guinevere laid there on the stretcher, so pale, breathless, and lifeless. “Is there anything I can do to help?” I asked him, wondering if there was anything I could do to help Guinevere…

My sister…

“Take this. Wrap it around her arm and hold it,” Doctor Henshaw had told me, handing me a long piece of gauze. Holding onto Guinevere’s almost lifeless body, I wrapped the gauze around the arm she slit the knife into and held onto it, trying to not let the thought of losing her bother me. However, Doctor Henshaw was back to pacing back and forth, trying to grab whatever he needed. I don’t exactly know what he did, but I figured he was checking for her pulse - he grabbed onto one of her wrists, and pressed his thumb against a vein, eventually saying words that I didn’t want to hear:

“I’m losing it”

I hope we were able to get to Guinevere in time. When Daniel bursted into Guinevere’s room, we found her in her bathtub with the word “LOVE” written into her right arm, catching her before the knife fell into the blood. I was the one that helped Daniel get her out of the bathtub as Charlotte was calling for an ambulance, who was trying her hardest not to cry, but did eventually break down when the doctor came to the scene, who thought that Guinevere was dead and tried to tell her. However, I insisted that the doctor did what they could to make sure that Guinevere didn’t die. So right now, the doctor is in the room, probably trying to revive her by stopping the bleeding, and depending on the amount of blood lost, putting some back into her system and starting her heart if necessary.

…

Guinevere - why?

Why couldn’t you just tell me the truth? Why couldn’t you just tell me that you broke up with Anthony because he hit you? Was there something that I was missing? Because right now I kind of need you - our parents need you. This world seems so lost without you. “She shouldn’t be dead,” I hear Charlotte mutter out-loud, trying to talk through the never-ending tears that were just making her face more wet than it normally is. However, no matter how much Daniel tries to comfort her and to tell her that everything is going to be alright, she still bawls. Daniel silently runs his left hand through her short dark brown hair, eventually looking at those dark brown eyes that just wouldn’t let go. I sit behind the two of them, with my chair facing the opposite direction. The chairs that they are sitting in face the door to the room that Guinevere is in - silently waiting for the door to open and to have Guinevere hopefully walk out alive. 

Hopeful…

But why am I thinking that she won’t? 

Charlotte and Daniel want her to, but one part of me thinks that she won’t, and I don’t understand why.

The door opens…

But it’s not Guinevere that walks out. Instead it’s the doctor - Doctor Henshaw. He’s just three inches taller than me, but he wears his white coat with the stethoscope dangling around his pale neck, only to have his short spiky brown hair stop at the edge. “Well?” I hear Charlotte ask him as Charlotte and Daniel darted out of their seats and rushed towards him. “She’s alive,” I hear Doctor Henshaw finally tell us. 

Thank goodness…

I didn’t want to lose my sister…

But why was I thinking that she wouldn’t make it?

“Can we see her?” I hear Daniel ask Doctor Henshaw, probably using those blue eyes of his to get Doctor Henshaw to move so he could go in and see his daughter that attempted a suicide. “I’d highly suggest you go home. She’s unstable, so we can’t release her until the blood is completely in her system. But she’s alive,” Doctor Henshaw tells us, only to see Charlotte lower her head and place it into Daniel’s chest, before Doctor Henshaw walked back into the room. However, Charlotte looked back at me, who was near the corner of the hall that was near my right. “Levi?” Charlotte asks, walking towards me after drying her tears with her left black sleeve. “Yeah mom?” I ask, wondering what we were going to do now. Clearly we couldn’t stay, but I didn’t want to leave. “Daniel and I are going to head home. Can you stay? Call us if something happens. She shouldn’t be alone,” Charlotte tells me before she grabbed her black purse that was draped over her chair, and the two of them left, leaving me there to roam the halls. 

Once they finally left, I turned to my right, only to walk down the long inviting hall that seemed like it wasn’t ending. The hall has multiple rooms on either side, where there are small bathrooms in between back-to-back rooms. 

Guinevere…

Is there a reason why you wanted to end your life?

You left the meeting when Carter was talking about Erica. I watched you leave it. Did he do something to you?

Or did she do something to you?

I know now that he didn’t, even though it may seem like it. 

But why couldn’t I…

Why did I…

Guinevere, please be alive…

I don’t understand…

If there’s a reason, please just tell me. 

…

There is one way I can find out if there’s a reason why.

After the ambulance came and took you to the hospital, and Daniel was trying to get Charlotte up from the ground, I went back into your room. Instead of facing the dreaded bathtub that I got you out of that caused my clothes to get wet from your blood, I noticed a drawer from your right side bedside table sticking out a little - that had a gold circular knob instead of the others that were straight, just like the one in the kitchen, sticking out like a sore thumb. Inside that drawer was a book that had an orange cover on it with small scribbled words on top. However, opening up the book, I noticed that it was a diary. I grabbed it and hid it as Daniel called for me, stating that the three of us were heading to the hospital. 

Sitting down on a nearby bench that was just off my left, but not that far from Guinevere’s room and the small sitting area outside it, I grabbed the diary that I kept hidden inside my jacket. I made sure that I kept it on, even when Charlotte asked that I take it off when we got in. Opening it up, I noticed a small piece of paper that was folded into fours. Taking the sheet of paper and unfolding it, I notice that on the top, it says, “Reasons why”, with a list of people on it. 

But I don’t see why, I just see names:

Anthony, Maverick, Logan, Grace, Lydia, Charlotte and Daniel, Jason, Bennett, Carter, Erica, Tyler, Shawn… Along with the school that we go to: St. Christina’s. 

Guinevere - is this your list of reasons to stay here or to kill yourself? 

Thumbing through the diary, the only thing that I can find is diary entries that were about different people. The first one was about Anthony, which was written on August 25, 1994, last year when they were dating. The second one was about Logan, which was written just soon after in September when school started up for grade 12 for her. The third one was for Maverick, which was written in late October. The next one was for Carter, which was written on December 14, the same day when they came home from the Hoffman’s house of sweets. The final one was for Erica, which was written on Carter’s birthday, which I forgot was in early February. I didn’t bother to read any of them, I know that is not necessary. But if Guinevere did die, each person from the list should know the truth. 

Everyone should know the truth. 

But one thing that confuses me is what the list of names is…

… 

Guinevere, these people that you see as a reason, is it to live or to die? Because the question is burning inside of my mind and it is not going away. Is there any way I can let them know? Is that what you want? Do you want them to know what they’ve done to you? I won’t read your diary, but as long as you tell me what’s going on, I can at least help. 

… 

Seeing a rather distraught Logan walk nearby, I rushed to put the piece of paper back into the diary and into my left inside pocket of my black jacket before standing up and facing him. He seemed to be looking rather mindlessly around from room to room, seeming as if he wanted to either be one of the patients, or wishing that he wasn’t, but I couldn’t pin a look on either one. “Logan?” I asked him, noticing that his face was wet from tears. He had a red shirt on with blue jeans, but his hands were in his pockets and his brown head full of hair bent over in tears. Did he find out about Guinevere? “Levi?” Logan asks me as he flashes his face towards me, showing those brown eyes forever leaking of sadness and brown hair that needed a brush or comb desperately. “Is everything alright?” I ask him, stammering at first, before gesturing over to the bench that was on my right that I sat at. “No,” he tells me before sitting down on my left on the bench. “I just found out that my twin brother passed,” Logan tells me as his voice starts to break. Wait, what? I knew he had a twin brother and that he went missing, but I don’t remember anything about him dying. “When did this happen?” I ask him, trying not to stammer, but it’s the only thing my voice can do because of the shock of it all. “It happened last month, but I found out about it this morning. Apparently one of their band members, Bobby, had contacted me and told me the truth: they died from eating tainted hot dogs,” Logan tells me before he broke out into small laughter. I know people die, but from tainted hot dogs? Well that’s a new way I never thought of. “So in other words: the tale of the cursed hot dog?” I ask before hearing myself saying that and breaking out into small laughter. I couldn’t wait to tell Charlotte and Daniel about the “tale of the cursed hot dog”. However, they probably wouldn’t want me to call it that, and they probably wouldn’t want me to tell anyone.  

“Anyway, so I’ve been roaming around the halls here for the entire day, trying not to think about it,” Logan tells me before the crack in his voice disappears. I guess what he needed to do was have a good laugh about it, even if it was brief. “What are you doing here?” Logan asks me. I should have known that he would ask me, and I would have to mention Guinevere to him, or at least someone I know. “It’s Guinevere. She attempted a suicide,” I tell him before my own voice started to go. I didn’t want my sister to be dead, and I didn’t even want to think about her being dead from the start. Guinevere’s death is the last thing I need right now.

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Logan tells me before reaching his right hand towards my left shoulder as comfort. “Is she in that room?” Logan asks after he noticed me staring back at the door that led to her, whether she was dead or alive. I know Doctor Henshaw said that she was alive, but I don’t know why I thought she was dead. “She was found in the bathtub. Luckily my dad and I were able to get to her in time before she could bleed to death,” I tell Logan, hearing myself say words that I never wanted to say or admit to. But now I have, and I can’t take it back, no matter how much I wanted to take it back. 

Guinevere, I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forgive me for taking your diary, but I should know why. There was no suicide note on the bed, and you didn’t place your diary on the bed. Unless you knew that I would go looking through your bedside table looking for an answer, I don’t know what you would’ve done. 

Standing up, I walk down the hall towards the room that Guinevere is kept in, Logan stands right beside, reaching for my left arm with his right. “I’m right beside you,” he told me before we walked down what felt like the never-ending hallway that was on our right, leading me towards the reality I didn’t want to be in. 

In front of the door, I looked back and forth, left to right, to make sure that no one could see me entering. When I look through the glass door, I don’t see Doctor Henshaw wavering around Guinevere. Instead, he was out of the room and with another patient. “Can you stay out here for a minute?” I asked Logan in a low whisper so no one could hear me. “Of course,” he tells me before heading to the chairs that were facing the room. “Hold on. I need to drop something off, but after you leave, can you contact Maverick? Ask for him to come here but to not mention to anyone that they were here. I’m messaging Carter to come here,” I tell Logan as he dried his tears with his pale left hand, watching that long dark brown hair of his start to fall in his somewhat pale face. “Okay,” Logan tells me before sitting down in the nearest chair that faces the room. 

Opening the door quietly, I notice Guinevere on my right, sleeping in a stretcher, revealing her right arm covered in gauze and bandages. The heart machine that was on her right was showing a steady heartbeat, showing that Doctor Henshaw was able to revive her. On her left is a blood bag machine that was slowly feeding blood back into her. I guess they were able to keep her alive. However, I knew that I shouldn’t have her diary, and that I never should have read it, even if I was looking for an answer I didn’t want. Opening up my jacket, I quietly placed the orange cover of a diary, and placed it on the movable table near the foot of the stretcher, and silently walked out of the room, before contacting Charlotte and Daniel via sending a message, stating that I was coming home. 

Hopefully I can do what I can to save Guinevere by having some people come in, so she can finally tell them the truth - cause otherwise we’ll eventually lose her, and that’s the last thing that we need. That’s the last thing that the world needs. The world needs Guinevere safe, healthy, and alive.