Chapter 14: Logan

After seeing Levi leave the room that Guinevere was kept in, I finally got the courage to stand up. Right now, the only thing I wanted to do was bury my head in the floor. However, that wouldn’t do any good. Hiding myself wouldn’t take away the pain of losing someone. I couldn’t imagine what Levi went through - I barely knew my twin brother. We were separated soon after birth. I still remember growing up in the system. Apparently my birth parents gave me a birth certificate, but before they left, they only took my twin with them, leaving me at the hospital. For my entire life I’ve tried finding them - so I truly don’t know what it’s like to lose a sibling when you barely know them. I never really knew him anyway, except for the fact that I look just like him, and when he went missing, I kept on getting told by numerous people to locate my birth parents, thinking that I was him. I may look the same, but I am actually a completely different person. From what I’ve heard, Luke tried to form a band with three other friends: Reggie Peters, Alex Mercer, and someone named Bobby - sadly ending in tragedy because of a tainted hot dog. 

However, in Levi’s case, he almost lost his sister. That’s the last thing you want. She must’ve started to close herself off and swear that she was never going to get close with anyone. However, that doesn’t justify trying to take your own life. At first, when Levi mentioned that she was here, I felt a big pit in my stomach erupting and it wasn’t going away. But when he said that Levi and Daniel were able to get to Guinevere in time, the pit in my stomach was gone. I used to be good friends with Guinevere, Lydia, and Rachel - and one day after school we went to Guinevere’s place, where I met her parents. However, that was the first and last time I would enter her house. Guinevere, I don’t know what happened, but you stopped talking to me. 

Did you find out what I did to Grace? 

I didn’t mean to hurt her.

She was my friend - I told myself I would never do that to her. 

Then again, in order for you to never find out, I made sure that she didn’t speak with you again. I couldn’t risk losing two of my friends in the same year. 

But her distancing herself from you made you and Lydia more worried about her. Guinevere and Rachel were already starting to part, so I knew to step away from that relationship. 

But back then, Guinevere, your outlook on life was looking good. You talked about going into music and maybe becoming a music therapist so that those who are struggling can have a strong foundation with music. 

Where’s that foundation now?

Guinevere I was attracted to you when you and Anthony were dating. I knew that the two of us could never happen, and it was hurting - so I went cold. I made sure that no one in dance class could talk to you, I even made sure that the entire school couldn’t talk to you, spreading lies about you that I wish I could now take back. 

…

I still remember one day from back then. After dance class, you were getting changed in the bathroom stall, and I was walking by. This bathroom was right outside the high school gym back entrance, but was near the dance studio and the two band rooms - with the dance studio across the cafeteria and the band rooms down the adjacent hall to its right. Creeping by after seeing Anika and Allison leave, wearing their white shirts and ripped knee jeans that went well with their tan skin and long black hair pulled in high ponytails, I noticed Guinevere in the bathroom alone, staring at the window, helplessly running her hands through her short wavy aquamarine hair. Past the wall that separated the two of us, I eventually walked in, only to see Guinevere wearing her white knitted sweater that she knitted the summer before, along with her dark blue jeans that shaped her butt quite well. On the other side of the wall, there are three bathroom stalls that are on the left, with two sinks that are on the right - with Guinevere facing the mirror closest to the farthest stall. “What are you doing here?” I remember Guinevere asking me rather startled when she noticed me. 

“Don’t come any closer,” I still remember her telling me as her voice started to shake and I was walking closer. I wanted to touch her hair, especially since this was the first day I saw her with aquamarine hair. Cornering her against the entrance of the third bathroom stall - it was the biggest one and the door stretched from wall to wall - I was finally able to silently run my hand through the strands of aquamarine hair that I wished I could have, only before staring at those blue ocean eyes of hers and red luscious lips. One part of me wishes that if I went back, I would have continued doing that, only to lead to me wanting to kiss her neck. Her hair was so soft and it felt like the perfect moment. But now, I start to realize that I shouldn’t do that anyway - because it would give her a reason to want to take her own life. 

However, the main reason why I couldn’t was because Lydia had stepped into the bathroom. Lydia, wearing a long black dress that draped from the back with a ribbon around her waist, swooped in and took me off of Guinevere, making me let go of Guinevere’s left shaking hand. “What the fuck is going on?” I still remember Lydia asking me with her voice raised with her long brown hair curled and pulled back her ears, featuring stud silver earrings that she got from Guinevere a few days before. “Get out of here!” I still remember her yelling at me, showing those blue eyes of hers that were no longer inviting than they normally are. “I’ll take you to the library,” I still remember overhearing Lydia telling Guinevere before I was no longer in hearing distance. When I stepped out of the bathroom and turned to my right, I lightly bumped into Rachel with my left shoulder, who was walking towards the high school band room that was near the back entrance. Rachel had her long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, featuring those blue green eyes of hers that seemed to be rather calm - but it was more of the calm before the storm. Something was bothering her. She kept trying to fix her emerald blouse that laced over her pale shoulders, pulling up her dark black jeans, and moving the grey strap of a school bag over her left shoulder. “Hey is everything alright?” I remember asking her, stopping Rachel in her tracks and focusing those blue green eyes at me. “What’s your problem?” I still remember her letting out at me as if I was the enemy. 

“Just wanted to see if everything was okay,” I remember muttering out as I had put my hands in my jean pockets that I wore that day. “Well it’s not,” She had let out before staring down at her red open-toed flats. “What’s going on?” I still remember asking her, trying not to make her mad. “If you ever run into Guinevere, tell her that I told her to fuck off,” I remember her stating at me before trying to walk towards the music room. I was very confused as to why I would transfer that message to Guinevere, because I didn’t know what was going on at the time, so I needed to know why. “Why would I do that?” I asked Rachel, questioning her. However, I apparently ticked her off. She slowly turned around, faced me, and told me something I didn’t think to be true, “I don’t know. Maybe she deserves it?” 

“But why?” I asked her again. I wasn’t going to pass on a message to Guinevere without knowing the context of the situation. “Do I really need to go into it?” Rachel asked me, raising her voice to me in anger. “A little context would be helpful,” I tried telling her, but she just wasn’t listening to me. “Look, if you ever see her, pass on my message,” Rachel tried telling me again. However, I felt the need to take a stance and decide to not get in the middle of everything. “You know I won’t do that,” I eventually told her. “Well then, fuck you too,” Rachel told me off before walking away and into the music room, beside the entrance of the high school band room and in front of the back entrance with grey oversized lockers for instruments on both sides. I guess Rachel got closer with someone else as Rachel and Guinevere were distancing from one another. Because the nearest door in front of me was open that lead to a nearby stairwell that was in between the dance studio and the junior high band room, I felt inclined to walk up and go straight to my class, but I felt like I was going to be needed down on the first level for a few more minutes. I notice Guinevere and Lydia walk out of the bathroom, only to watch them walk past me and down the hall in front of me that leads to the library. 

Since this was the morning of the school day, I knew I needed to get to class right away. Walking into the cafeteria on my right, past the line-up that was nearest the door, a rather distraught Anthony had rushed up to me. He was wearing a dark blue shirt, but had light grey jeans on. “Logan? Have you seen Guinevere?” I still remember him asking me with his voice starting to shake as he was running his right hand through his long blonde hair as strands kept falling into his face. “No I haven’t,” I remember lying to him. I didn’t want him to know that I had scared his girlfriend - this was back in March of grade 10, the year being 1993 and going onto ‘94 in the middle of grade 11. “If you find her, tell her I’m looking for her,” I still remember Anthony telling me. However, since I had enough people constantly asking me to pass on messages to other people, I came out rather unhinged towards Anthony, even though I really shouldn’t have. “You know what? Go find her yourself. I’m tired of people asking me to pass on messages to her. I just got Rachel asking me to pass on a message to your girlfriend that you don’t want to know of because she doesn’t give a shit about context, and now you! Get your shit together and find her yourself! Leave me out of this!”

After yelling in his face, Anthony stayed silent, and I’m glad he did, because I don’t know what I would have said if he retaliated. Instead, he darted off past me, turned his right, walked down the hall that lead to both the entrance of the hall to the elementary side and the entrance of the theatre, eventually finding the library mirroring the theatre, where I knew he would find her. “God,” I had let out in a sigh, finally alone and not being pulled in multiple directions. I never asked what was wrong because I knew it wasn’t my place to ask, yet I should’ve anyway - even if it was the day after I told him that my twin went missing, silently reminding myself that he is now dead and I practically have no family left. 

Standing up from the blue seat, I eventually stand up and see Guinevere in the dimless room that she was kept in. Staring through the glass door, I see Guinevere asleep in the stretcher. There’s a blood-bag on her left, and a cardiac machine on her right, showing that her heart is still beating. Looking back and forth, right to left, holding on the silver doorknob that was on my right, I lowered it before anyone could hear me. Walking in, Guinevere is seen wearing those white patient dresses that they make people wear under what must have been a warm blanket. Her head is on top of a small white pillow, yet the aquamarine hair falls over her closed pale eyelids. Guinevere is on my right when I enter, where the wall is adjacent to the door’s left. 

Walking towards her, I noticed a small table that was at the foot of the stretcher, with a book that had an orange cover on it with small words scribbled on the front. On the stretcher’s right is another wall, but it has a small window that overlooks the parking lot. Silently walking past, I try not to wake her as I go to the window, only to see Guinevere’s right arm covered in a long bandage and gauze, seeing her chest slowly rise and fall from breathing. 

Guinevere - what did you do?

I shouldn’t go through the book, but one part of me told myself to. Trying not to make a sound, I creep towards the book. However, before I could lift it up and thumb through it, I heard the door slowly open, revealing the doctor that was monitoring her - I was now caught. “Who are you?” The doctor asks me after stepping in. “Logan Patterson,” I tell him after drying the tears that were starting to collect from my eyes. They seemed to never end. “I’m going to need you to leave,” the doctor tells me rather sternly, revealing his name tag that was on the left side of his white jacket: Doctor Henshaw. “Is there a reason why?” I started to ask, only to trail off at the end before my lips started trembling and my voice started breaking. “Please leave. I’m not going to ask again,” Doctor Henshaw tells me, using those brown eyes of his as a weapon, trying to make me move when I clearly didn’t want to. I wanted to know the reason why Guinevere would consider taking her own life, and I wasn’t going to stop until I learnt it. 

Next thing I knew, Doctor Henshaw walked over to me, lowered himself to bring his arms to my hips and picked me up with his arms wrapping around me. “Put me down!” I yell out at him. I didn’t want to be picked up and thrown out of the room. However, he opened the door, turned himself around, and placed me onto the ground so I would be on my back, only before facing me one final time before closing the door behind him as he left - walking down the hall on my right. With my hands on the ground, I sat up onto my knees.

I don’t understand…

Why would he do that to me? 

Is there something that he knows that I don’t?

But if he knows something, why won’t he tell me?

…

After standing up, I turned around to notice Carter walk in from the hallway Levi and I were in. Carter wears a red and black plaid shirt that goes well with his short dark brown hair and eyes and dark blue jeans. “I got a message from Levi to come here. Is everything alright?” Carter asks me, reminding me that I needed to message Maverick. Apparently Levi wanted me to message him. “I need to message someone. Can you wait a bit?” I ask Carter, hoping that he can wait for his turn. Hopefully if I got Maverick here he could maybe try to figure out the reason why she attempted. Maverick might be able to figure out why better than me. 

When I turned cold two years ago, Guinevere and Maverick had gotten close. So he’ll have a better chance than me to figure out what went wrong. I want to know what happened, but I doubt I’d be able to figure out what it was. 

Guinevere…

Did I do something to make you fear me?

You never talk to me anymore.

You don’t talk to Rachel, Lydia, or even Grace. 

Is it something that I did?

Did you find out what I did to Grace?

I never meant to rape her, but I didn’t know that she couldn’t tell me to stop because she didn’t know how to. 

There are some people that are like that. However, that doesn’t justify me taking advantage of her. I’d completely understand if that was the reason why, but there’s something I’m missing. There’s something that we’re all missing. 

I finally sent Maverick a message to come to the hospital, but to find Carter sitting in a waiting room outside a room on the adult side - because Carter was now sitting down in the blue seats, waiting for an answer that I dreaded giving to him. “The reason why you’re here is because Guinevere is in the room. I’d highly suggest you let Maverick go in first, and then you can,” I finally told Carter, who was looking at me with tears starting to collect in those dark brown eyes of his. “What?” He eventually lets out before I leave, because I knew that if Doctor Henshaw knew the reason why, he’d kick me out faster than I could leave. However, Carter caught my arm before I could walk out of the hallway that had the bench that Levi and I sat on infront of me. “Tell me what’s going on,” Carter states for me, using those dark brown eyes of his as a weapon. “I can’t say, you have to wait your turn,” I tell him, releasing my left arm from the grasp of his right, only for him to sit back down as Maverick entered in from my right, who seemed to be waiting for an answer he didn’t even ask for.