Ch. 4

TW: TALKS OF SUICIDE

Jason

I'm depressed. I have anxiety. I'm suicidal. And my next stunt can land me in a facility. This is all according to my new therapist my mom made me go to. I'm being put on two different types of medication for daily use and one for emergency reasons.

Ellie was suicidal at times too. Why wasn't she on meds? The thing was she had a happy family. Her parents have a great marriage, she had two siblings and she got everything she wanted. So why would she be suicidal? It's kinda like that Britney Spears song. She had everything, but she was missing something. She didn't know what. She couldn't figure out what was making her so unhappy. Was it me? Was I the reason?

Kyle, Cody and my mom have been watching me in shifts. Kyle would drive me to school, Cody would watch over me in school and my mom would watch over me at home. I almost willingly drown once and I'm all of a sudden suicidal. I roll my eyes at the thought.

We're all sitting for dinner, Dad also. He keeps eyeing me. Kyle is watching Dad watch me.

"Suicidal, huh?" Dad says.

"What could you be suicidal about?"

Mom puts her fork down and shifts her eyes back and forth between Dad and me. Kyle stops eating too.

"His girlfriend passed away, Emil." Mom said.

"You mean that fling you quit baseball for?" He tuffs.

I look sharply at him.

"She wasn't a fling." I mumbled.

"Sure. You would've knocked her up and became teenage dirtbag parents." He says

I look at my plate.

"Or were you waiting for college to knock her up?" He adds.

I stay silent. Nothing I say will matter.

"Jay and Ellie were together for years, dad." Kyle says.

"You know he loved her, right?"

"He's a kid. He doesn't know what love is," he says, sipping his wine.

"I know it more than you do." I mutter.

"What was that? I married your mother, didn't I?" He retorts.

"But it's not a happy marriage. You belittle her and talk down to her. You may not hit her but you do abuse her." I say.

"Mind your business, Jason. And watch your mouth."

I look at him.

"That's my mother. I'm gonna put all of my business in her. She won't speak up to you but I will."

"Jason," Mom says, lowly.

"When was the last time you hugged her? Kissed her? Actually took her on a date, Dad?"

Dad stayed silent.

"You're too busy with work and getting Kyle into your company and you don't even pay attention to us. You want Kyle to be too much like you."

"At least I know he won't let me down," Dad says.

I purse my lips and nod. I stand up from the table and go to my room. I hear them all whisper-yell at each other and I just block them out. I take out my phone and see a series of texts from Nikki.

Nikki: Hey! Hope you're okay! I heard you fell into the lake.

Nikki: Please tell me you're okay.

Nikki: I'm sorry for blowing up your phone but I know you need a friend and I'm here for you.

I text her back.

Me: I'm okay, Nikki. Thanks.

Nikki: Talk to me, Jay.

Me: Not right now, Nik. I just wanna take a shower and go to bed.

Nikki: Tomorrow then? :/

Me: We'll see. I don't know why you care so much.

I barely know the girl and she barely knows me. Why does she blow me up like I matter to her? I lay down on my bed when my phone vibrated again.

Nikki: I care because mental illness runs in my family. I lost one of my favorite people because they couldn't escape their demons. I don't want that happening with you.

Nikki: It's the weekend. You up for an adventure?

It's 8:30... where the hell would we go?

Me: Where?

Nikki: My favorite spot :) send me your address. I'll pick you up in 10!

I sigh and swing my legs off the bed and stand up. I send Nikki my address and I go to the bathroom to freshen up. I get my shoes on and I go downstairs.

Kyle looks up from his phone and his eyebrows pinch.

"Where you goin?" He asked.

"A friend is coming to get me." I answer.

"Is that a code for you're about to be suicidal again?"

"No, Nikki is picking me up."

"Your tutor?"

"Sure. If that's what you wanna call it."

"Wear a condom," he says with a smirk.

"That's not happening," I say.

A car pulls up to the curb so I open the door. As I do, Nikki texts me. I walk to her car. She's smiling the entire time it took me to get there.

"Hey!" She greets.

I half smiled.

"Hey.”

We drive for about half an hour and we get to a marina. She pulls into a spot and we both get out of the car. She's walking ahead of me as we walk to a beach. The waves are hitting the sand and the smell of the salt water is kind of comforting. She takes a seat in the sand and I sit next to her. She takes her shoes off and sticks her toes in the sand.

"I can't wait to be here everyday in the summer." she says with a satisfied sigh.

I stared at the waves.

"I come here to think." She adds.

I look at her. It's quiet until I break the silence.

"You said a family member offed themselves?" I asked.

She looks over at me.

"Yeah. My sister."

My head drops.

"How'd she do it?"

"She was found hanging in her closet at our old house. Mom didn't wanna stay there so we moved."

"I'm sorry to hear that." I whisper.

She shrugs and she gets quiet for a beat.

"How did... Ellie do it?"

"She cut her wrist. I thought it was make up."

Nikki puts her hand on her mouth and lets out a small gasp.

"Because of Crystal?"

"I honestly don't know anymore," I answer.

"She had issues. She never got help for it. She wouldn't tell me why because she didn't want to burden me."

"So it wasn't the first time she tried?"

I shook my head.

"No. Countless. And I thought she got better."

Nikki turns her body to face me.

"And what about you? What happened days ago?"

"I fell in the lake."

"Come on, Jay... Cody said you practically walked in it." Nikki says.

"I won't lie and say I wanted to live. I didn't want to. I have a lot going on lately and losing Ellie made me feel like there's nothing to look forward to."

I dropped my head.

"You have plenty to look forward to. Don't you have plans for college?" She asks.

"No. Not at the moment. I don't even know where I'm gonna be in a year." I answer.

"My mom wants me to try to get into UCLA." She says with a chuckle.

"Where's that? Cali?"

"Yeah. Silly, right?"

"What would you study there?"

"No idea. I haven't looked into anything."

"You should. You're smart. You'll get in."

"Hey, if things don't get better in a year, come with me. We're friends, right? We can be roommates."

"I don't wanna go to UCLA, Nikki."

"No, like we'll get an apartment together. It's by the beach and stuff and water seems to be therapeutic for you."

"How do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I ask.

A smile teases on her lips.

"Because what are the chances of two serial killers being in the same room together?" She asks.

I chuckle. "Touché."

I look down at my feet.

"I'll think about it. I'll have to get a job out there."

I look out at the ocean.

"Well, yeah. But you might be happier."

Happier.

It gets quiet for a little bit but I broke the silence.

"Let's say I do find another girl... like one that I actually like and maybe start to fall in love with... what do I do?" I ask.

Nikki smiles.

"You open up to the girl. You tell her what you feel. You tell her you have a missing piece and you're trying to fill it. Honesty goes a long way in a relationship. Most men don't believe that. If you're honest from the start, we understand."

"Will I ever let her go?" I ask.

"That's for you to decide. That's your choice. I just know she wouldn't want you to be sad all the time."

"Carrying this weight with me hurts."

I drop my head and fight back tears.

I lose the battle, and Nikki hugs me. I just broke down in her arms and she just let it happen. She released me and wiped my face with her sleeve.

"Come on, let's go get some ice cream." She said, taking my hand.

I stood up with her and we went to her car and drove to our local ice cream shop. We sat and talked for hours. I didn't think I actually needed this. This was very helpful for me. And I actually felt a little better. Nikki made me laugh for the first time in awhile. She got me to smile again. It seemed impossible at first because every happy memory I have with Ellie made me depressed.

In school the next day, Nikki walks past my desk and shoots me a smile. I didn't return it. Mrs. Snyder hands each row a stack of papers.

"Quiz time!" She says.

"Fuck," I whisper.

"Clear your desks except for a pencil."

I obliged and leaned back in my seat, staring at the page. It took me forever to finish the quiz. We swapped papers with the person next to us to grade them. My classmate got a 90 on his quiz. And when I got mine back, I was afraid to even look at it. I turned it over and saw I got an 80. I felt my face light up. I look over at Nikki and her eyebrows pinch in my direction. I held up my paper to show her my score. She smiles and gives me a thumbs up. I smile a little and turn back around. Mrs. Snyder came around with a paper, writing down scores. She saw mine.

"Impressive, Jason! Did you get a tutor?" She asks.

I smile a little bit.

"Yeah, I did."

She returns the smile and continues on.

If you or someone is know is having suicidal thoughts, please reach out.