Ch. 3

***TW: ATTEMPTED S/C***

Jason

Monday came. It's 6am and my brother is pulling me out of bed to get ready for school.

Next thing I know, I'm in the car and going to school.

I drag my feet in the hallway. Hands on my shoulder straps of my backpack, looking down at the floor. I'm avoiding eye contact from everyone. I don't wanna look at anybody. I don't even wanna be here. People whisper as I walk by.

That's all anyone did today. Whisper, stare... No one approached me to ask if I was okay. People did try to say hi to me.

I'm sitting at my desk in math class as other students come into the room. A brunette with brown eyes takes a second look and gives me a sympathetic smile. My math teacher handed me a paperclipped packet of worksheets and a list of pages of the textbook I'm supposed to read. I stare at it in confusion and I raise my hand.

"Um, Mrs. Snyder? Can I come by after school so I can get a quick lesson?" I ask.

"I'm sorry, Jason. I have a meeting to attend to today." She answers with a smile.

I frown and look down at the list of pages I need to read. I flip open the textbook and scan it over. I have no idea where to even start. What is this shit? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I rest my hand on my head and continue to fan through the pages. I sigh and close the book and lean back into the chair with my arms crossed, and listen to the lesson when class begins.

The bell rings ending that period and I go to stand up and grab my stuff.

That brunette with brown eyes comes up to me.

"Hey, Jay," she says cautiously.

I turn to look at her.

"Hey, Nikki." I greet back.

"Do you want me to tutor you on what you've missed? I've got a pretty good understanding about it." She says.

"Um, I-I'm gonna try to figure it out on my own. Thank you though," I say.

"Okay. Sure." She smiles.

Nikki walks past me with her arms full of her books. I grab my stuff and head out into the hallway.

I've recognized Nikki from Cody's parties. She'd come with two of her friends and they'd never leave each other's sides. I'd catch Nikki looking over at me. I remember raising my cup to her. Ellie wouldn't show up sometimes to Cody's parties. So, I was able to look at Nikki without Ellie freaking out. I was able to have conversations with her. She'd talk to me about baseball and whatever show that had everyone watching. Talking to her felt easy. The baseball conversations had me shocked though. She'd come to our games with those two of her friends. I'd see her in school and wave at her. She was always smiling, especially when she saw me.

I briefly considered taking Nikki up on her offer.

I'm sitting at my desk in my room with my math books open. What the fuck is this? I have no idea what I'm even doing. I've been trying to figure it out for a while now. I mumble the questions out loud but it still makes no sense. I re-read how to solve the equations over and over again but I don't get it. I sigh and I close the book and take out my phone. I open Facebook and start scrolling on my feed.

I saw a post that Dad's company won another award. His colleagues, my brother and him are posing for a group photo. I keep scrolling and come across a meme Nikki had reposted. Then I remembered her offer. I clicked on her profile and sent her a message.

Jason: Hey Nikki. Is it too late to take you up on that offer? I really need help.

Her reply comes almost instantly.

Nikki: Can we meet tomorrow after school? Starbucks maybe?

Ugh, fucking Starbucks?

Jason: Yeah. That's fine.

Nikki: Cool! I'll see you in class tomorrow! :)

I kept that on read. I lock my phone and open my books for my other classes and get started on those.

I drove myself to school the next day.

In math, Nikki comes over to me with a smile. I tried to return it.

"Hey, I totally forgot to give you my number last night so we could meet up later." She says.

She takes my phone off my desk and starts tapping on the screen. She hands it back after a little bit and I see she texted herself so she has my number.

"You drive, right?" She asks.

"Yeah." I said.

She smiles.

"Okay, I'll text you after school."

I nod in agreement and she walks to her desk. I stuck my phone in my pocket and waited for class to begin.

At lunch, I'm sitting by myself with my books out, trying to catch up still. I have until Monday to complete everything. Cody sits down next to me and puts a water bottle and a bag of chips in front of me.

"Something tells me you haven't eaten today," he says.

"I haven't in a week," I mumble.

Cody looks at me concerned, with his lips in a straight line.

"Come on, man. Don't do this to yourself." He says.

"I haven't been hungry." I say.

"You already look emanciated as fuck. You need to eat." He says.

I continue looking at my books. Cody looks over to see what I'm doing. He grabs my science notebook and textbook and starts writing. He's answering the questions on the worksheets. He finishes it within minutes and closes the books and stacks them neatly. He grabs another small stack and does the same thing for my English class. I'm low key grateful for him. Minutes later, he closes those and stacks the books neatly.

"What else you got?" He asked.

"Just this and math," I answer. "But I'm getting tutored after school, so don't worry about it."

"Yeah, I can't help you there," He chuckles.

"Just take a look at everything when you get the chance so you get a little summary of what you need to know."

I look up from my paper and see Nikki looking over at me. She smiles crookedly and I look back down.

3:35 I'm driving to the local Starbucks to meet up with Nikki. I pull in a spot and look around to see if I spot her. I don't, so I head on inside. I find an empty table with no one around. It's quiet in here and the air smells like freshly brewed coffee... obviously. I take out my books and still try to continue to teach myself. About 20 minutes later, Nikki shows up with two coffees in her hands. I look up at her as she greets me with a smile.

"I figured you'd need a little pick me up," She says.

I half smile and take the cup from her.

"Thank you. How much do I owe you?"

"Oh! Nothing. I just wanted to get you one."

I take a sip of the cold brew coffee. It's not terrible. I put the cup down and she sits across from me and we get started.

An hour later, I fully understand how to solve these stupid math equations. We finished all the make up work I needed to do and I closed my books with a satisfied sigh.

"Thank you. I didn't know what I was doing." I say.

"Well, you being out for a week would do the trick." She shrugs.

She gets quiet for a moment and she looks me with her eyes.

"I'm so sorry about Ellie," she says.

My heart jumps and my stomach ends up in knots. I swallow hard and look down at my hands. Just the mention of her name makes me uneasy. I used to light up when I heard her name or saw her face. 

"I know it's hard losing someone you love. How are you doing?" she adds.

I look up at her.

"No one has asked me that lately." I say.

She looks at me with compassion.

"I'm... I honestly don't know. I genuinely don't know. I'm just not thinking about her."

"As a coping mechanism?" She asks.

"You could say that,"

"Do you have anyone to talk to? Like a therapist? A family member? Or a friend?"

"Sad feelings aren't allowed in my house," I say sharply.

"What?"

"My dad doesn't allow it."

"That's... wow." She says, sitting back.

"I'm not gonna get into it."

"What about Cody?"

"I haven't really opened up to him. I'm sure he's sick of me."

"He's concerned. I kinda overheard him at lunch today. You're not eating?" She asked.

"Would you if you were depressed?" I fired back.

"I guess not."

"Maybe I should talk to a therapist. But what are they gonna do? Shove pills down my throat?"

"Not really. They could give you an ear to listen just to get your thoughts out of your mind."

I shake my head. "Nah. It's not worth it."

"You could always talk to me." Nikki says with a shrug.

"I'll just be a burden."

"Why do you think that way?"

"I'm not good at talking. I've never been able to talk about my feelings or thoughts or anything like that."

"What about your mother?"

"Why do my feelings concern you? You barely know me." I snap.

"True. But that could change."

"Don't think I'm going to date you because I'm done with girls."

"I meant as your friend." Nikki drops her eyes to her hands.

I lick my bottom lip and sigh.

"Sure. Fine. I have to go though. Thanks for helping me." I said, standing up.

"Jason? Promise me you'll reach out if you need to?"

"Yeah. Sure." I said, throwing my backpack over my shoulder.

"See ya."

I walk out the door and head to my car.

I'm sitting by the lake. Our favorite spot. She'd feed the ducks and look so happy doing it. I had some food in my hands and I spread it slowly in the water. The ducks dipped their mouths to suck it all in.

I look up at the horizon. The sun is setting so beautifully. Maybe now because she's up there, it looks more breathtaking. I think of her... her smile... her laugh... how beautiful she was. She'd look at me with her blue gray eyes and they were always filled with so much love. I miss how her body molded against mine when we hugged. I miss how soft her lips were when we'd kiss. I miss how soft her touch was. I miss our drives. I miss watching the sunset. I miss stargazing. I miss cuddling and watching movies with her. I miss it all so much and I'll never get to do that again. Ever.

My brain fills with all these memories and thoughts of her and it crushes my chest and I lose my breath. I start to get choked up and my eyes start to fill with tears. I sob because of the memories. And the realization.

From a distance, I hear a car pull in. Then I look up across the lake by the dock. And I see her. She's waving to me. I blink a few times to make the tears go away. I wipe my face and eyes and I look back at the pier.

She's still there. I get up and I slowly walk over to her. She's walking so fast onto the pier, looking over her shoulder and smiling at me. I reach my hand out to try and grab hers but I keep missing.

"Ellie! Wait!" I say.

She's still smiling at me as I'm following after her. My last step, I fall. My stomach drops down to my feet and I fall into the lake. I'm sinking deeper and I just accept it and I don't fight to get to the surface. I don't pray for God or some higher power to save me.

I just take it. I'm ready. Flashbacks of memories come in like a fast slideshow. Not like the ones you see before you die, but I forced myself to see all these memories.

I want to die. I want to be with her. My life is pointless and useless. I'm pointless and useless.

Something's yanking me up higher and higher out of the water like a rocket. I reach the surface and I take a huge deep breath. My rescuer and me make it to land and he throws me on the ground. I roll over and see it's Cody.

"Dude!" he coughs.

"What the fuck?!"

I sit up, resting my arms on my knees. He scurried over to me and put his hand on my knee.

"Bro, you can't do shit like this. Talk to me. I'm here for you, bro. Just call me, text me or come over. Please? Just talk to me." Cody begs, with concern in his eyes.

Water is dripping off his face.

He takes me into his arms and I hold onto him. If it wasn't for him, I would've been fine with sinking to the bottom of the lake as my final resting place.

"You gotta get help, dude. This... this can't happen," he said.

"I saw her," I whisper.

"So you decide to walk off the pier and go after her?" He says.

"I-"

"No, bro. Let's go."

I don't move.

"Jason, get up and get your ass in the car. I'll get your car back home." He demanded.

I still don't move.

"You need to get your ass in the fucking car or I'm picking you up firefighter style."

I listen. I get up off the ground and drag my feet to his car. He speeds back to my house.

My mother and brother are waiting for me on the porch. My mother runs to greet me. She already knew what happened and she shows it by reaching up to touch my face to make sure I'm real and in front of her. I look at the ground, not wanting to meet her kind blue eyes.

"Jason, come on. We're going to get you help," she says.

"I'm fine." I say.

"You tried to fucking drown yourself. You're not fucking fine, Jay. Let's go," Kyle says.

Cody and Kyle each grab me by an arm and force me into my mom's car. Kyle slams the door shut and mom climbs in the driver's side and we drive away.