Look, if you don't understand that Charli XCX isn't just a pop star, but a bloody religious experience, then we can’t be friends... I remember exactly where I was when I first heard "Vroom Vroom" sweating through a cheap singlet in a dingy Fitzroy basement club, ascending to a higher plane of gay existence. She is the patron saint of the messy, the heartbroken, and the chronically online, and I am her most devout, unapologetic disciple...

So, when the Brat arena tour dates dropped and Melbourne was finally on the list, my heart literally stopped. I had five devices queued up in the Ticketek waiting lounge... Five. I even borrowed my flatmate’s iPad, which is usually exclusively reserved for watching RuPaul in the bathtub... I manifested. I prayed to the electronic pop gods... And still? Sold out in three bloody minutes... I was absolutely devo'd. I sat at my kitchen island, weeping into a lukewarm flat white, mourning the spiritual awakening I was being cruelly denied...

Enter Troy.

Bloody Troy from Accounts... A bloke who wears boat shoes to the office, thinks spicy mayo is adventurous, and uses the word "synergy" without a hint of irony. Yesterday, in the staff tea room, he casually mentioned he scored two VIP pit tickets...

"Yeah, my girlfriend really likes that 'Boom Clap' song," he mumbled, stirring a god awful instant coffee.

Boom Clap... I had to grip the edge of the counter to physically restrain myself from shoving his head into the Breville espresso machine. It’s 2026, mate... If you’re not bumping hyperpop remixes in a club bathroom at 3 AM while questioning all your life choices, you do not deserve the pit. It is an insult to Charli, an insult to the culture, and a personal attack on me...

Which brings me to the plan. It’s not a crime if it's an act of divine justice, right?

The tickets are digital, obviously, but Troy bless his analog, boomer brained heart printed them out with the QR codes because he "doesn't trust his phone battery at big events." I know this because he proudly flashed the A4 paper at me while I was trying to unjam the photocopier... I saw exactly where he put them: the top right drawer of his desk, tucked neatly beneath a tub of vanilla whey protein.

Tomorrow is casual Friday... The office practically empties out at 4:00 PM for pints at the local pub. Troy never misses a free beer... I just need a five minute window, a minor distraction, and a sleight of hand worthy of a Sydney drag queen snatching a twenty dollar tip. I’m going to replace his VIP passes with fake barcodes to a Wiggles tribute concert and walk out the front door... For Charli, I’d do anything. Let the heist begin...

I’m in love with Charli XCX

I’m in love with Charli XCX

Passages

The first chapter of my love for Charli XCX