Passage 9

The doctor’s waiting room was crowded, heavy with the eager boredom of people waiting to talk about themselves. It was the fourth doctor they had been to see within a week. Jack, as Laura might have expected, was in a hurry. But he had to find the right man, too—a man he genuinely liked. Not just any bone-picker was going to perform the wizardry to bring his child into being.

Laura had simply sat in red-faced silence through Jack’s expositions of their supposed marital troubles, both unwilling and unable to contribute a word. And the whole thing had been lengthy and bewildering and not a little tiring.

But when they finally got into Dr. Belden’s plush, paneled office, it went well. And she knew, suddenly paying attention to the words of the men, that it was going to be settled. And it was.

She answered the standard questions, her voice low with embarrassment. They always bothered her excessively, like so many spiders crawling over her tender shame. Other girls might not mind, or even liked to yammer to doctors about their intimate selves, but not Laura.

Jack bolstered her up as they were leaving. “You were heroic, Mother,” he assured her. “I know you hate it—yes you do, don’t lie,” he added impatiently when she tried to protest. “It’s all right, honey, it’s all in a good cause.”

“Don’t call me honey.”

“Why?”

“Terry calls everybody honey.” She was in a grumpy mood; he saw it and let her be for a while. “When do I have to go back?” she asked as they rode home in a taxi.

“A week from Thursday.” He looked at her somewhat anxiously as if wishing that Thursday had already come. “You won’t change your mind, of course,” he said to comfort himself. His voice was calm but his eyes were worried.

“No,” she sighed. She looked at her gloved hands until his anxious gaze moved her to give him one and make him smile.

He looked strangely different, almost young. Jack had the kind of a face that must have made him look forty when he was twenty. In a sense it was an ageless face because it had hardly changed at all. Laura supposed that when he was sixty, he would still look forty. But for the few weeks after Terry disappeared it looked young. And Laura thought with an ache of how much of that was due to her. How much she had forced him to depend on her. She was deeply committed now. There was no retreating.

* * *

Laura saw Doctor Belden three days in a row, and it was unspeakably humiliating for her. But she endured it. By the time her appointment came due, she was too afraid for Jack not to go. But she prayed when she was alone, with big wild angry sobs, that the artificial insemination wouldn’t work; that she was barren or Jack was sterile or the timing was off; anything. And she felt a huge, breathtaking need for a woman that absolutely tortured her at night.

After her first examination with Belden she went out of the office to meet Jack and told him she was going to the Village.

“I don’t know why I need to. I just do,” she said.

“Sure, sweetheart,” he said at last, standing facing her on the pavement outside the doctor’s office. “Go. Only, come back.”

“I will,” she said, near tears, and turned and almost ran from him. She couldn’t bear to touch him, and it was painful even to look at him.

It was mid-day in the Village and mothers walked their babies in the park. Laura hurried past them. Old ladies strolled about in the unusually warm weather, dogs barked, and a few hardy would-be artists had set up shop in the empty pool at the center of Washington Square. A small crowd of students had gathered to offer encouragement and argue.

Laura walked quickly through the park to Fourth Street, and then she turned and walked west, not sure why. On the other side of Sixth Avenue she stopped and found a drugstore and went in for coffee.

I can’t see Tris, she told herself, playing nervously with her hands. I won’t see Beebo. Or rather, Beebo won’t see me. That’s for sure. She tried to think of anything but what she had just been through, but it didn’t work. It never does.

Just so it’s normal, she thought angrily. I won’t hate it but I couldn’t stand an abnormal child. God, I’ve got to talk to somebody, somebody who doesn’t know, who’ll put it out of my mind. She thought of Inga then, but she couldn’t remember her last name and she wasn’t too sure where the girl lived. She had been too drunk that night.

And then, for no apparent reason, she thought of Lili. Beautiful, brazen Lili. At least Lili would talk. Laura wouldn’t have to open her mouth. Maybe it would be better that way. She wouldn’t betray any secrets to Beebo’s old lover about her marriage. But Lili would be only too happy to tell Laura what had gone on between Beebo and Tris if only to see her squirm, and Laura was burning to know.

She went to the phone booth at the back of the store and looked up Lili. She was still listed, still in the same apartment on Greenwich Avenue. It was late afternoon by the time Laura got there. Lili would just be getting out of bed, if she followed the same habits she used to have.

Laura felt very tired and reluctant when she finally found the right building and the right button to press; afraid and a little ashamed. But she rang anyway, as if she had no will to stop herself. And when the answering ring came she went inside and walked up the stairs.

Lili, hanging over the bannister to see who was waking her up so early, saw her coming. Laura stopped on the first landing at her amazed, “Laura! Again! Are you a ghost?”

Laura gazed up, her long pale hair hanging defiantly free and her eyes blue-shadowed the way they were when she was tired or scared. Now she was a little of both.

“No, no ghost,” she said.

“I don’t believe you. But come in anyway. I have the most divine friend who’s a Medium. Where the hell have you been? I thought sure you’d come back, after you saw Beebo a couple of weeks ago.” She watched Laura mount the stairs as she spoke and took her by the arm when Laura reached her. “You look worn out, poor lamb,” she said. “I’ll give you a drink. What do you want?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing!” It was an explosion, not a question. “God. Next you’ll be telling me you’ve gone straight.”

“I came to ask about Beebo,” Laura said.

“Oh,” said Lili knowledgeably. “I thought so.” She went about fixing Laura and herself a drink in spite of Laura’s objections. “Well, lamb, what about her?”

“Are she and Tris living together?”

“Mercy, who told you that?” Lili turned to stare at her.

“A friend of mine.”

“Your friend lies. They aren’t living together and they never did. Oh, Tris spent the night with her a few times. You know how it is.” She laughed sociably, coming toward Laura with two filled glasses. “Here, lamb, I insist. It’ll revive you. My doctor says—”

“Tell me about Tris and Beebo.”

“Well,” Lili said, confidentially. “It was just an affair.”

“What does that mean?” she said.

“It means when you can’t get what you want you take what you can get,” Lili said archly.

“They saw each other all the time. Beebo even had Tris going into the gay bars. I know this, Lili, don’t hide it,” Laura said.

“All right, all right,” Lili said soothingly. “Tris had to go to the gay bars to find Beebo, that’s all. Beebo’s never home. You know how she is. And she didn’t chase Tris so Tris had to chase her.”

Laura felt an ineffable lightening of the heart. Somehow, if it had to happen, that was the best way.

“Tris was nuts about her,” Lili said juicily. “She came over when she got back from Long Island last summer ... without you, if you recall.”

“I recall.”

“Yes. Well! Beebo was pretty low. You may remember that, too.” She looked at Laura sharply, and Laura looked at the floor and refused to answer. “Anyway, Tris fell into her arms and Beebo just caught her. I wish I could say that Beebo fell for her. I think it would have spared her some of the agony you inflicted on her.” So now it was out in the open. Lili spoke dramatically, but it wasn’t all play-acting. She had loved Beebo once, and she didn’t like to see her hurt as Laura had hurt her.

The two females eyed each other, wary but curious, each eager to know what the other could tell her. Lili was ready to hurt Laura to find out. She had seen what happened to Beebo when Laura left her, and it was shocking. Laura didn’t know about it, and to Lili it seemed as if she was nothing but a spoiled, headstrong little bitch who didn’t care whom she hurt ... a little like Lili herself ten years before, and that made Lili even more critical.

If Laura were told how hard Beebo had taken it—how intensely she had suffered and torched for her—maybe it would touch her and make her sorry. Lili enjoyed the idea of Laura on her knees to Beebo, and Beebo kicking her out. For she knew what Laura did not—that Beebo was a different girl now. And to Lili’s way of thinking it meant that Beebo would never take Laura back.

So they were agreed, without having said a word about it, that Lili would talk and Laura would listen to her; Lili because she had to hurt and Laura because she had to know.

Lili lighted a cigarette and stuck it carefully into an ebony holder with a water filter, a rather bulky conversation piece. Everything she did was staged.

“I’m going to talk turkey to you, lamb,” she informed her guest. “Now that I have you in my clutches.” She smiled slightly, a warning smile.

“Talk,” Laura said. “But I’d appreciate it if you’d spare me the sermon.”

“I’m sure you would.” Lili gazed at her. “But, unfortunately, you need a sermon. Oh, just a little one, of course. I won’t be crude about it.”

Laura ignored her, picking up the drink she didn’t think she wanted and sipping at it.

“Well,” Lili began. “You almost killed her. I suppose you could have guessed that.”

“I knew it would be hard for her,” Laura said, “but not that bad.” Her voice said she thought Lili was exaggerating, but in her heart she was afraid ... afraid it was true.

“It was bad enough to send her to the hospital with a stomachful of sleeping pills. I know. I took her over.” She said this with her green eyes flaring and her voice low enough to make Laura strain a little to hear her.

“Oh, damn it, Lili, don’t make up a melodrama for me!” Laura cried.

“I thought I was stating it rather plainly. But I’ll try again.”

“Beebo wouldn’t take sleeping pills!” Laura said contemptuously, and this she really believed. “It’s not like her. It’s too—I don’t know—phony. It’s more like something you’d do than Beebo.”

“Luckily I’m not in love with you, pet,” Lili countered. They glared at each other. “You don’t know her at all, do you?” Lili went on. “You lived with her for more than two years, and you just don’t know her at all.”

“I know her better than anybody! What do you mean?”

“All right, lamb, we won’t argue the point. Anyway, when she got back from the hospital she was terribly despondent. I kept telling her you’d come back. Everybody did. I didn’t believe it, of course, but I was afraid if I told her you were gone for good she’d try something worse than sleeping pills.”

“Did she drink awfully hard?”

“Are you kidding? She drank like a fish, naturally,” Lili said. “As if you had to ask. Then she got a job. But I’m getting ahead of myself. You wanted to hear about Tris.”

Again she smiled, and Laura hated her smile. “Just tell me, Lili,” she said. “Without the dramatics.”

“Certainly, darling.... Well, Tris came back and the first thing she did was come looking for you to tell you she was sorry. I don’t know for what. But I was there when she arrived. I couldn’t leave Beebo alone for five minutes, it was that bad. So anyway, we were having dinner when Tris came and she looked very surprised not to see you, but if you ask me, she was thrilled to death. She’s been on the make for Beebo ever since you met at the dress shop. She strung you along for a contact with Beebo.”

“I don’t believe you,” Laura lied bravely. “Go on.”

“Well, darling, that makes it slightly awkward. It’s essential to the narrative that you believe it.” But Laura’s cold white face discouraged her sarcasm and she went on. “Well, Tris was nuts for her. That time she burst in on you and Beebo got so mad—yes, she told me about it—she came to see Beebo, not you. She didn’t care a damn if it got you in trouble. The only thing she cared about was seeing Beebo. She wasn’t very happy about the way Beebo treated her then, but she’s had better luck since....

“Well, Beebo didn’t even try to fight her off. She just let her in and they spent a couple of weeks together. And the whole time that awful Milo—Tris’s husband—I think you’ve met?—yes. That must have been jolly.” She grinned maliciously. “Well, Milo was over there all the time, just mad as hell. It’s a wonder he didn’t kill Beebo, the way Tris carried on about her. It took him four whole months to drag her away, and Tris still comes over whenever she can sneak out. But Beebo and Milo get along better now. Since he realized Beebo’s not in love with his wife.

“For some strange reason she can’t seem to fall in love with anybody. I think she’s crazy myself. I mean, after all, you’re not that irresistible.” She paused and Laura took advantage of it to switch the subject, fast.

“What about the job? You said she had a job.”

“Oh, yes, I did, didn’t I? Well, she’s waiting on tables at the Colophon. Oh, don’t look so disappointed, lamb, she likes it. Besides, she can wear pants.” Lili knew how Laura hated Beebo’s elevator uniform, and it pleased her to point out that Beebo hadn’t reformed. “She works from five to eleven,” Lili went on. “Really very good hours. And then of course she’s free to get soused till dawn.”

“Does she?”

“Sometimes.”

“Is it very bad?” Laura asked, her voice a little shaky with fatigue.

“Sometimes.”

“God, Lili, is that all you can say? Sometimes? Tell me about her, I haven’t heard anything for eight months!”

“That’s the way you wanted it, darling.”

“No. No, it isn’t,” she whispered. “That’s the way it had to be.”

“I would say—judging strictly from your very interesting diary—that you were glad to get rid of Beebo. Maybe you’re just here to ease your conscience, hm? Be sure she hasn’t done anything messy you’d have to blame yourself for?”

Laura had to look away for a minute. The shame was too plain on her face. “That was a stupid thing, that diary,” she mumbled. She started crying softly, helplessly. “Lili, cut out the sarcasm,” she pleaded, knowing it would do no good.

“Why, don’t be silly!” Lili exclaimed, enjoying the scene. “I haven’t an ounce of sarcasm in me. I’m just a reporter giving you the facts.”

“You’re a lousy gossip columnist!” Laura said. “You’re all dirty digs and snide cracks, and about a tenth of what you say is true. Tris Robischon was shy and neurotic. She hated gay bars. She wouldn’t have gone in if she hadn’t been forced. She hated gay people so much that she wouldn’t associate with them.”

“Like hell,” Lili said elegantly. “She lived in the Village, didn’t she? Who do you think her ballet pupils were, anyway?”

“Children! Men! Little girls!”

“And big girls, darling.”

“She never had affairs with them. She might have slept with one or two of the men, but not with the girls. I’m sure of it.”

“Have you talked to Milo about that?”

“No ... not about that. But I know Tris!”

“Must be wonderful to be so sure of yourself, pet,” Lili drawled. “The fact is, your little pseudo-Indian slept with dozens of her pupils. She went to the Lessie bars because Beebo did, and Beebo’s not the first girl she’s done it with. You can check it. Go ask the bartender at the Cellar. Ask the lovelies at the Colophon. At Julian’s. Go on. Scared?”

Laura stood up suddenly and headed for the door. “I’ve had enough, Lili. Thanks. Thanks a lot.” She spoke briefly, afraid of more tears, and grabbed her coat as she went. But Lili got up and ran after her.

“But darling, I want to know where you’ve been all this time!”

“It’s no business of yours.”

“Oh, tell me, Laura. Don’t be difficult,” she said. “Beebo would be interested,” she wheedled.

“Oh, I doubt it. After what you’ve told me. But just for the record, I’ve been living uptown.”

“Where uptown?”

But Laura shook her head.

“Alone?” Lili said.

“No.” Laura didn’t know why she said it. It just seemed easier than arguing. Besides, she didn’t want Lili to think she was friendless and despised everywhere.

“You know, Jack Mann disappeared from the Village the same time you did,” Lili said, her voice vibrant with curiosity.

“Yes.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“I see him now and then.” She slipped her coat on and opened the front door, not bothering to look back at Lili. Her face was streaked with tears and torment and she wanted to go, to get out, to hide somewhere.

“Where are you going, pet? Why in such a hurry?”

“I’m a little sick, Lili, thanks to you. You have that effect on me,” Laura said.

Lili laughed charmingly. “Imagine!” she said. “It’s an even trade, then. Well, just so you don’t go near Beebo, I guess it’s safe to let you loose.”

“I have no intention of going near Beebo,” Laura said coldly, turning to look at her.

“Good,” Lili said. “She’d kill you for sure.”

Laura felt a red fury come up in her and she stepped back into the living room, her face so strange and tense that Lili, for the first time since Laura had come, became rather alarmed.

“Lili, goddamn you to hell, quit telling lies! Quit exaggerating!” Laura cried. “I hurt Beebo, but not that much. I didn’t ruin her life, for God’s sake! Or cripple her or kill her or drive her crazy! And I won’t stand here and be accused of something I didn’t do. Beebo’s no angel, you know. Beebo damn near drove me out of my mind when we lived together. She hurt me more than once—I mean really hurt, and I’ve got scars to prove it. I know she loved me, but that doesn’t make her perfect and me a double-damned bitch. Love affairs have broken up before. The world keeps on spinning!” She spoke fiercely to bolster up her words. For the truth was that Laura remembered only too well the night Beebo had told her she might kill her someday, and then herself.

But she couldn’t let Lili see that, or suspect it, or think that Laura feared it. She hated Lili with all the force of her own fear and uncertainty and resentment at that moment, and her wild hair and hot face actually did scare Lili.

“All right,” Lili said finally, putting her drink down on a dainty Empire drawer table near the door. “All right, Laura Landon, I’ll tell you something.” And Laura saw now that Lili had to defend the things she had said with a good serving of bitter anger: the pièce de résistance. “You think Beebo would welcome you back with loving arms? You think she’d forgive you?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“You think I’ve been kidding about how hard she took it when you broke up? When you left her? Sure you do. You make yourself think it. Because you don’t want to feel guilty about it. But you listen to this. Listen!” she cried suddenly as Laura made a sudden move to leave.

Lili threw herself against the door, panting with the exaltation of mingled fear and pleasure at hurting Laura. “Remember Nix? Remember that nice little dog you hated so much? Oh, you hated him all right. Beebo didn’t have to tell me, I saw it with my own eyes. Everybody did. You did everything but kick him. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you did even that when nobody was looking. Well, what happened to poor Nix?”

“You know damn well!” Laura flashed, feeling trapped and desperate. “You know as well as I do. Let me out of here, Lili!”

“He died, didn’t he? Rather messily. Let’s say, horribly. Such a nice little dog. You know how he died, Laura?”

“If you’re trying to say I did it—”

“Beebo killed him. Sliced him in half with that big chef’s knife you had in the kitchen table drawer.”

For a horrified second, Laura was silent, paralyzed. She almost fainted. She actually staggered backwards and lost her balance. Lili grabbed her to break the fall and left her lying on the floor, her face buried in the plush carpet, sobbing, wailing with shock and horror. Even Lili, finally, was worried about her. She tried to snap her out of it with sarcasm.

“You could have shown a little concern when it happened,” she said, “instead of saving it all for now. It’s a little late now. Those are crocodile tears, Laura.” But they weren’t, and Lili couldn’t get much conviction into her voice. She bent over Laura and said, “Stop it! Really, Laura! Don’t make a scene. Oh!” she exclaimed in exasperation and alarm. “And she accuses me of theatrics!” she cried to the ceiling, her hands to her temples.

After a long while Laura rolled over, her breath tumbling uncontrollably in and out of her, her face blotched and stricken.

“It isn’t true, is it?” she whispered. “You just wanted to hurt me. Lili?”

Lili, sitting on the edge of her velvet couch, with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands, said, “It’s true.” She gazed at Laura and there was no pose, no elegance in her. It wasn’t worth the effort now. Laura was beyond noticing or caring. With her face relaxed, the lines of thirty-seven years showed around Lili’s mouth and eyes. She was wondering if the startling effect her words had had was worth it.

Laura looked sick. What a bother to have to call a doctor! She shouldn’t have told her. She had had a good time roasting her. She should have let her go. But there was Laura, her bosom heaving, her face a strange color, her eyes enormous. Odd, I never noticed how big they are, Lili thought idly.

“Did anyone ... really ... beat her up?” Laura said, her breath betraying her and making her gasp. “Or did she make up the hoodlums, too—like Nix?” And she covered her face to cry while Lili answered her.

“She did that to herself. After she killed Nix. I don’t know why she did it. I hate to admit it, but I guess she did it out of frustrated love. I tried to make her explain it when she told me about it—and believe me, she wouldn’t have if she hadn’t been fried—and she just said, ‘Laura hated him. I thought she might stay with me longer if he was gone.’ After she did it she beat herself. I don’t know how. I don’t know with what. She didn’t say. Maybe she just whacked at herself with her fists. Maybe she used something heavy. Anyway, she did it while she was hysterical. At least, that’s what I think. I don’t see how she could have hurt herself that much if she hadn’t been half crazy. She was mourning for Nix and she was afraid of losing you.”

Lili stopped talking, and Laura realized dimly that there had been no cutting edge in her voice for the past few minutes.

After a little while of silence Laura got up dizzily from the floor and dried her eyes. Her face had gone very white and she sat down for a minute in a chair.

“Did you ever love her?” Lili asked. “Really?”

Laura turned to look at her, and her eyes seemed remarkably deep and different, as if she had seen something for the first time. She didn’t seem to have heard Lili.

“Did you ever love her, Laura?” Lili asked again.

“Not until now,” Laura said, and Lili stared at her.

* * *

When Laura got home, all she wanted was to go in the bedroom, turn out all the lights, and crawl half dressed into her bed. And try to make sense of her awful knowledge, try to live with it. She couldn’t think of Beebo without pain.

Jack followed her into the bedroom where she sprawled on the bed sobbing. He went to her and said worriedly, “Jesus, honey. Tell me about it.” He sat down beside her, his hands on her shoulders trying to ease her. “Did the stock market crash?”

She wept on as if he weren’t there.

“You got a bad pickle in your hamburger?”

No response.

“Your girdle split?”

She rolled over and looked at him with mournful eyes. “Jack, this is no time to be stupid.”

“I can’t say anything very bright till you tell me what’s the matter,” he said.

Laura blew her nose hard. He made her feel ludicrous and she resented it. “Beebo,” she said finally. “Beebo. Oh, Jack.” She looked at him with red eyes. “She must have killed your little dog. The one you gave her after Nix died.”

“Must have?”

“She killed Nix. Nobody beat her up. She did it to herself.”

They stared at each other, Jack beginning to share her feelings.

He heaped his scorn on Beebo. “Damn!” he said. “Damn silly hysterical female. I thought Beebo had more sense than most women.”

“Just because she’s not like most women?” Laura cried. “Jack, you make me furious! The more mannish a woman is, the more sense you think she’s got! God! Beebo’s sick! She’s sick or she wouldn’t have done it. When I think what she must have gone through, I—oh....” And she wept again, silently and hard. “She’s no damn silly female. You damn silly man!”

“What is she, then?” he asked, smiling a little.

Laura turned back to the bed and muttered, “I don’t know. She’s mixed up and unhappy and maybe she’s still in love with me. She’s miserable because of me, anyway. I know that much.”

“Isn’t that touching,” Jack commented acidly. “You have a desirable woman walloping herself and bisecting dachshunds out of love for you. It must do wonders for your ego.”

Laura didn’t even answer. She just flew at him, nails first, and took a wild swipe at his face. She missed; Jack was fast, and prepared. But she struggled desperately with him with her knees, her elbows, teeth and nails, until she was exhausted. She didn’t last long. Lili had taken the fight out of her.

He laid her back down on the bed when she was gulping for air and went to get her some coffee.

“Now, tell me where you learned about Beebo,” he said when he returned.

After a long, reluctant pause she answered him. Her basic trust in him persuaded her, but she promised herself that if he got sarcastic again she would stop speaking to him. Permanently.

“I saw Lili this afternoon,” she whispered.

He gave a snort. “For old times’ sake?” he asked.

“To ask about Beebo,” she said haughtily.

“And she told you that romantic little tale? About carving up Nix?”

“Yes.”

“And you believed her?”

“Yes. She wasn’t kidding.”

“Oh, she never does,” he said with false agreement.

Laura flipped over to face him, her face red, but he interrupted her before she could get a word out. “Okay, she told the truth, we’ll say.” He moved her coffee gently toward her as he spoke. “And if she did it’s pretty awful and it’s pretty sad. And I wish like hell that it hadn’t happened to Beebo, because she’s a damn nice kid and I always liked her. I’m sorry about it, Laura—”

“Sorry!” she exploded. “What a stinking little word that is for what she must have gone through!”

“What’s in a word, honey?” Jack shrugged, frowning. “You want a eulogy? I’m sorry, if Beebo really did it. That’s not fancy but it’s true. I can’t put Nix back together. I can’t order you to love Beebo the way she loves you.”

There was a long silence then while Laura considered what he said. Her feelings for Beebo seemed to have undergone a transformation that afternoon. It was as if she saw clearly, and for the first time, into Beebo’s secret heart, into her pain and frustration and passion. And Laura’s own heart melted, touched, awed, a little exalted even to think that she could have inspired such a wonderful, terrible, mad, single-minded love in anybody. All of a sudden it seemed very valuable to her. She wanted it back, just the way it had been. She would know how to respect it now.

She lay there looking at Jack and felt a small fear licking at her heart like a flame. What if her love for Beebo became more precious to her than her love for Jack?

She said pensively, “I felt so bad about everything. I’ve been so selfish.”

“Not with me, honey.”

There was a long pause. At last she said, “You mean—going to the doctor, and everything?”

“That’s only part of it.” He got up and went to her.

Laura was standing in her bare feet, leaning against a wall and looking out at the East River. Her eyes were fastened on the night lights of the city. Jack touched her shoulder.

“Laura, darling, I’ve loved you for a long time ... ever since we met, I think. I’ve never loved you less than I did at the start. And now I love you much much more. Just the fact that you were willing to try for a child means the whole world to me. Even if it never works out. I can’t love you with my body. You wouldn’t want it even if I could. But I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as you, honey. Not even the lovely boys I could never resist. Not even Terry, and there never was a lovelier one. When all the sweat and passion are over with there’s nothing but ashes and melancholy. Nothing’s deader than a gay love that’s burned out. But with you ... I don’t know, it just goes on and on. It’s steady and comforting. It won’t fail me, no matter what. It gives me a little faith—not much, but a little—in myself. In people. In you.”

Laura turned her head away so he wouldn’t see the tears.

“Laura, you can say what you please but you’ll never convince me that I did a cowardly thing marrying you. A selfish thing, yes. A hell of a selfish thing. I think I would have gone to pieces without you. But I wasn’t running away from my old life as much as I was running to a new one.”

Suddenly Laura felt a big ugly need to fight. Maybe it was just to let off steam after a nerve-wracking afternoon. Maybe it was to make her forget how guilty she felt about Beebo. Probably it was both.

Laura turned and walked away from him, feeling his hand slip from her shoulder, unwanted and unsure. “Well, I don’t know why you left the Village but I think I know why I did. Finally,” she said. Her voice was hard and she knew she was going to hurt him and she cringed from it almost as much as he did. And still she spoke, compulsively. “I left because it was the only way I could see out of my problems. You were my escape hatch, Jack. You were just too damn convenient.”

“That’s my charm,” he said harshly. “Ask Terry.”

“It isn’t the first time I’ve run away from my problems. I ran away from Beth in college. I ran away from my father. From Marcie—remember her? She was straight. I didn’t find out till I tried to make love to her.”

“I remember. You ran straight to me. And if you hadn’t you’d be enjoying a protracted vacation in a mental institution at this moment.”

“You helped, I admit it. I don’t know what I would have done. But that’s not the point. The point is, that here I am doing it again. Running away. Not to you this time, but with you.”

“So?” he said. “So we run away. So what the hell? Let’s run. Who gives a damn? What’s eating you, Laura?”

“It’s wrong, that’s what! You told me when we left the Village I’d get over it and Beebo didn’t matter ... she’d survive. And I believed you. Until today.”

“And now you think she won’t survive?” he asked bitingly. “Because of something she did ten months ago while you were still living with her?”

Laura was swallowed up for a moment in a sob. “I want her!” she gasped finally. “Oh, God and Heaven, I want her!” And she stamped her foot like a furious child.

When she was quiet enough so he could talk without shouting, Jack said, “Sure. I want Terry. But we’re poison together. So are you and Beebo. If you go to her you’ll come running back to Uncle Jack before the month is out. Fed up all over again. Only this time there’ll be a difference. This time Beebo really will commit mayhem. Or murder. Or both. And if you don’t run fast enough, Mother, it may be you she murders. I wouldn’t put it past her.”

“I want her back!” Laura amazed herself with her own words, words she never meant to say. Jack stared at her, his face pale and determined.

“You can’t have her.”

“Jack,” she said, suddenly pleading, “let me go to her. Just for a week or two. Please. Please let me.” She walked toward him as she spoke, her arms extended.

“No,” he said flatly. “Two weeks, hell.” He was afraid she wouldn’t ever come back.

“Jack, I wouldn’t stay. I’d come back to you.”

“No!” It was absolute. He couldn’t take the chance. “We’ve had all this out. We agreed to it before we got married.”

“Jack, darling—”

“I won’t talk about it, Laura. You can’t go back to her and that’s final.”

“But only for a week or two, just a few days....”

“You’re my wife,” he blazed so fiercely that she stopped in her tracks, startled. “You’re my wife and you’re not going to live with any Lesbian in any Village! Not while I live!”

She tried once more. “Jack, don’t you understand? For the first time I’m beginning to realize how I feel about her, how I always felt. Tris made me realize it a little. And now Lili. And even living with you—”

“Living with me has made you lonesome for women, that’s all. And Beebo’s a handy woman. Goddam it, Laura, I never denied you women. I’ve encouraged you. Admit it, go on! I’ve asked you to chase a few broads. It’s not my fault if you’ve developed an itch. Go out and have yourself a fling; you should have done it long ago. I don’t give a damn, only don’t go to Beebo. And come back. Come back here, you understand? If you don’t I’ll come after you! And I’m capable of mayhem myself!”

She looked at his big burning eyes and trembled. “I just want to see her,” she whispered.

“What makes you think she wants to see you?” he demanded. “What makes you think she won’t greet you at the door with the same knife she used on Nix?”

“That’s what Lili said.”

“Well, for once Lili is right. I know Beebo; she’s crazy. You catch her on a wrong day in a wrong mood and she won’t even think about it. She’ll just operate on you as she did on the dogs.” He gazed unblinking at her. “That would kill me, Laura, as sure as it would you. Besides, I can’t take any chances. You might be carrying my child.”

This struck fury into Laura. She had nearly managed to forget the child, in the press of other things, but no longer. She picked up a pair of his shoes, sprawled near the closet, and flung them at him, one after the other. One flew through the window, splattering glass in its wake, and the other struck his arm.

“Why do you torment me?” she shouted. “Why do you talk about nothing but baby, baby, baby? I never wanted the damn thing! I hope I never have a baby! I hope I never have your baby! I hope it’s born a boy! I hope it’s born blind! I hope it’s never born at all!” She was screaming at him, and he came to her carefully, coaxing her.

“You’re all wrought up, Mother,” he said. He could see that she was hysterical.

“Don’t call me Mother!” she shrieked, her voice strained so that she could hardly articulate.

“Laura, for God’s sake,” he said, trying to brush it off, trying to keep calm, help her. “I call you ‘Mother’ in honor of my Oedipus complex. Purely a formality. It has nothing to do with babies. Come lie down, honey. Come on. I’ll get you something to quiet you down. Come on,” he wheedled gently, but she looked at him like he meant to murder her then and there, backing away from him. When he made a quick move to grab her, she sprang away, picking up the stool to her dressing table. She threw it at him with all her strength. While he dodged she grabbed her shoes and coat and ran from the room.

At the front door she paused briefly to stare at him with desperate eyes and then she heaved an ashtray at him and fled. It cut his hand, which he threw up to protect his face.

Laura ran down the stairs. There was no time to wait for the elevator. She could hear Jack behind her, running and calling her name. At the front door she turned swiftly toward the river and climbed a chain link fence, ripping the flesh here and there along her limbs and tearing her blouse. She dropped, torn and gasping, to the other side just as Jack burst from the door and looked wildly in all directions for her. She rolled soundlessly some feet down the long slope that ended in chill black water.

There she waited, sobbing quietly, clinging to handfuls of greasy mud and roots and embedded rocks. She heard his footsteps going toward First Avenue. He thought she would run for a taxi or hide in a doorway. Laura scrambled and stumbled south along the embankment, not waiting for him to come back looking for her. There was a suffocating panic in her. She didn’t question it or wonder where it came from. She just did as it bid her, struggling through the dirt on the incline.

There was no looking back, no stopping for rest. She moved forward doggedly, tripping and sinking to her knees and clambering up again and going on, trying to stay near the fence in case she lost her footing. The going was slippery and rough and her breath rasped in and out with a fast whining sound. She had gone nearly three blocks when a jutting stone, invisible in the semi-dark, threw her, and she felt herself begin to skid and roll. She made a wild grab for the fence but it was already fifteen feet above her and receding fast. The wind was bumped out of her and she could not even scream. She had no idea how far she had fallen before she stopped.

Laura lay gasping and moaning for a few minutes, trying to get her breath back. She knew she was crying but she made no effort to stop. She moved herself gently to see if anything was broken, but the ground was not hard and she had missed the bad stones. She had no idea how long she had been there. It might have been minutes, it might have been hours. She thought vaguely it must have been hours when she finally stirred, chilled through, and opened her eyes. Beside her, on the ground, sat a man.

Laura screamed, a weak shuddering noise, and fell back, covering her face with her hands.

“Don’t mind me,” he said. “I won’t hurt you.”

Laura felt herself trembling with fear. She tried to pull her torn clothes straight, but it was so dark she could hardly see what she was doing. When he turned his face toward her she could see a little of it. It was very indeterminate; there was no way to guess his age or anything about him.

She stood up quickly and started to scramble up the hill, but he said, “There’s an easier way.”

She gave him one quick scared glance and then went on, but he stood up and said, “There’s steps about a half block on.”

Again she turned, very wary but willing to listen now. It looked a million miles to the top.

“I’ll show you,” he offered. His voice was not menacing and he stood facing her with his hands in his back pockets, a black statue with silver edges. “Come on, I’ll walk ahead.”

He turned then and went southward, agile and sure. After a moment Laura began to follow him, moving clumsily and with great effort, trying to copy his movements and praying that he wouldn’t suddenly attack her. She stooped and grabbed a sharp stone glinting at her feet and held it tight in a sweating hand, just in case.

He heard her panting behind him and stopped, bringing Laura up sharp with a gasp. “You’re tired,” he said. “Want to sit down a minute?”

She shook her head at him.

“You can talk to me, I’m no devil,” he said. And she had the idea he was grinning at her. But when she maintained her tense silence he shrugged and turned back. Now and then he glanced at her to see how she was doing. “Want some help?” he asked when she stumbled once, leaning toward her, but she drew back fast and he said, “Okay. Just trying to help.”

They walked for a few moments and Laura was almost ready to bolt from him when she realized that the lights ahead she had taken for far distant were in reality small bulbs strung up to illuminate a row of steps.

“Maybe you’re wondering who I am,” he said almost hopefully as they neared the steps, as if he had a story to tell and was looking for a listener.

He turned, one hand on the iron rail that ran alongside the steps, and held out a hand to her. “Here y’are. Help you?”

She ignored him, turning her back to him to swing a leg over the low railing.

“Don’t you wonder who I am?” he said. “I don’t help just anybody, little girl.” He spoke sharply. “Don’t you want to know my name?”

“No!” she cried suddenly, angrily, startling herself. “You’re just a man and all men are alike. No matter what their names are!” He gaped at her, astonished. “You don’t really care about me, only about yourself. You don’t want to know my name, you only want me to know yours.” She spoke breathlessly at breakneck speed. “You can’t suffer like a woman can. You aren’t made to take it, you men. You’re just made big enough and brute enough to hurt us. But we can’t hurt you. We can’t hurt you, do you hear?” And she stopped abruptly, putting her hand over her mouth in a storm of self-pity and shame and revulsion. It was Jack she was screaming at, not this stranger. She couldn’t believe she had hurt Jack as she had hurt Beebo or it would destroy her. She screamed to make herself believe she couldn’t really hurt him, no matter what she did.

The tears burst from her eyes when she saw it all for a lie. A lie shouted to spare her own tortured feelings. The man looked at her, patient now and unamazed. He was over his first surprise. And hers was not the first desperate speech he had heard on the shores of the East River.

Laura began to run up the steps.

“You won’t get far, looking like that,” he called after her.

Momentarily Laura stopped and looked at herself in dismay. She turned and glanced back at her guide. He was standing on the steps some twenty feet below her, smiling at her consternation. He was a large man, big-boned, and she thought, My God, he could break me in two. Like my father.

“Cat got your tongue?” he said.

She started up again on shaky legs and he called, “Is that all the thanks I get?”

At this Laura began to run, but to her alarm he ran after her. She felt her heart balloon in her chest, beating frantically, and when he caught her, only a few steps from the top, she yelled in fear. She would have screamed without stopping until somebody heard her if he had not wrapped a big hand around her mouth and forced her against the gate.

“I won’t hurt you,” he said. “I told you that. I never hurt anyone. I’m harmless.” He grinned, and Laura, squirming under his big hand, was dizzy with panic.

He held her quietly for a few minutes as if to assure her that he spoke in good faith. Finally he asked her, “Where are you going?” and released her mouth. When she tried to holler at once he covered it again.

“I’ll ask you again,” he said. “But don’t yell. Where are you going?”

When he freed her mouth this time she murmured, “Home. I’m going home. Let me go.”

“How you getting home?”

“I—I’ll walk. It’s not far. Just a block.”

“You know what block this is?” He smiled with superior knowledge.

“It can’t be far,” she said.

He shook his head quizzically. “I don’t get it. You’re not even drunk. You’re tore up but you’re no tramp neither. Mostly the ones I find down here are hitting the bottle. Or they wouldn’t be down here. Or kids, exploring. Not pretty girls.” He smiled and Laura’s one intense hope was that she not faint and fall into his clutches.

“Let me go,” she said, trying to sound controlled. But her big eyes and urgent breathing gave her away.

“Okay.” He took his hands away from her altogether, and said, “Go. But I’ll bet you need a dime to telephone with.”

She turned, dragging on the gate behind her until he said, “Here. Let me.” He opened it for her. And when she saw that he was really going to let her go, she allowed herself to turn and look at him. See him. He was holding out a dime.

“Take it,” he said. “At least you can call somebody to come get you.”

Laura stared at him. He was big and ugly, seamy-faced, and wearing dirty clothes with a worn cap tilted over his ear. But he had a nice honest grin. And he looked, for all his dirt and size, rather childish. Laura stood poised at the gate, wavering between flight and the dime. At last she took it, her face reddening. She had to drop her sharp stone to get it.

“Didn’t need that, didya?” he said with a smile, watching it fall.

She shook her head and whispered, “Thanks.”

“That’s all I want to hear,” he said and let her go. She ran halfway down the block, and then turned, overwhelmed with curiosity, to see what had happened to him. He was standing there behind the closed gate gazing after her, smiling. He’s nuts, she thought. An idiot. A damn man! That’s probably all he does, save people from the river. But even that ... even that pitiful life is worth more than mine. All I’ve ever done is hurt the people I love the most.

At the end of the block she stopped running and looked once more. He was gone.