Chapter 18: Roxie

Dear Diary,

I am currently sitting on my bathroom floor with the door locked, the marble tiles freezing against my legs, and I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience. I just scrubbed my face so hard with a makeup wipe that my skin is glowing bright red, but I still can’t get the feeling off my lips.

I kissed him. I, Roxie George, actually reached out and initiated physical contact with a guy who drives a van that probably hasn’t had an oil change since the nineties. And it wasn't just a kiss. It was... intense. It was the kind of thing that makes you forget your own name for a second.

Why did I kiss him? He is a loser! I HATE him.

What is wrong with me? I’m supposed to be the one in control. At East Shore High, I am the sun and everyone else is just a planet orbiting my personal space. I have a reputation to maintain. I’m the girl who runs the social scene, the girl who defines what’s trendy and what’s trash. I am not the girl who falls for the brooding new guy with the smudged eyeliner and the family drama.

The worst part isn’t even the kiss; it’s the way I ended it. I told him it was a stupid apology. I am a total loser. I saw the look on his face when I said it—that flicker of hurt before he masked it with his own brand of "I don't care" armor. I felt like a monster, but I had to do it. If I let him in, even an inch, my whole world starts to crumble. I can't afford to be "real" right now. I have to be Roxie George, the untouchable queen of East Shore. I have to be the strong one because Olivia needs me to be, and because if I’m not perfect, I don’t know who I am.

I can hear my parents downstairs. They aren't shouting yet, but the silence is that heavy, vibrating kind that happens right before the explosion. It’s the sound of things falling apart.

I secretly wish I could just climb out my window, find that ridiculous white van, and tell Ricky to just drive. No metaphors, no Rising Moon, no East Shore politics. Just... away.

But I won’t. Tomorrow, I’ll go to school. I’ll wear something flawless. I’ll walk past Ricky Henderson in the hallway and I won’t even blink. I’ll make sure Catherine and Ember think I’m totally over the "charity case" invitation. I’ll be the ice queen again.

I have to. Because if I admit that the kiss meant something, then I have to admit that my life is as messy as his is. And I’m just not ready to be that honest.

New Game Plan (For Real This Time):

1: Avoid the Hallways! Take the long way to Science.

2: Total Silence! If he speaks, look through him like he’s made of glass.

3: Focus on Olivia! Be the big sister she needs.

4: Forget the Terrace! It never happened. It was a collective hallucination caused by Fran's cheap fog machine.

I just hope my heart starts listening to my brain soon, because right now, it’s beating a rhythm that sounds suspiciously like a bass solo.