Chapter 10: Charlotte

“Guinevere?” I ask her in the morning, stepping towards her door, only to find her sitting on her pink comforter, with the sunlight from the window on the opposite wall shining on her, featuring a lighter shade of the aquamarine hair from its right side, as she was rushing to put a book away in her left side bedside table. “Hold on - what is this?” I ask her, grabbing the book before she could put it away. It was a book that had an orange cover to it with small scribbled words on the front that were crossed out. “It’s my diary, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t read it,” Guinevere tells me as her body moved out of the sunlight shadowing on her and towards me - who was standing near her closet and facing the window as the sunlight shone on her. “Guinevere, it’s been two months. Is there a reason why you broke up with Anthony?” I thought I’d ask. I was quite surprised when I found out from Erica that Guinevere broke up with Anthony - but then again Guinevere could still have a fighting chance of getting back together with Maverick. I knew that Anthony and Guinevere wouldn’t end up together - I knew that from the start. 

One part of me especially knew that she would break up with Anthony when I found out that he hit her. I may be exaggerating, but Carter told me that Anthony slapped her, and to me that qualifies as him hitting her. “I don’t want to say,” Guinevere tells me before she enters her closet that was off to her left and grabs her blue bodysuit bathing suit that crossed in the back. “I’m going to swim in the pool for a little while,” Guinevere tells me before leaving the room and heading down the hallway towards the pool, leaving me in there - just wallowing in my own thoughts. 

I don’t understand, why can’t she tell me the reason why she broke up with Anthony? Is there more to the story that she’s not telling me? But I still remember the day that Carter told me what happened. It was after meeting with Erica, who I thought would get a birthday present for Guinevere. Well, it is two months later and there’s still nothing. Carter messaged me, asking to talk to me right away. I may have made it seem like I was rather distraught from Guinevere and what to get her for her birthday that I walked away and left Erica there, but I actually got a message from Carter right before pulling up to Erica in their walkway. 

Once I was out of the forest, I dried my fake tears from the conversation with Erica and walked to the front of the school, where I knew that Carter would be waiting for me. “Carter - you needed to tell me something?” I remember asking him when I was at the front entrance. “Something happened with Guinevere,” Carter started. I remembered that at that moment, my gut feeling went south, not knowing what he was going to tell me, and that feeling was not sitting well. “What happened?” I remember asking him, trying to look at him straight in his dark brown eyes, but I couldn’t focus. So I thought I’d try focusing on his short brown hair, but that also didn’t work, because there were strands that were sticking up here and there as if his stress went into his hair. “Anthony slapped Guinevere,” I remember hearing Carter say the burning words to me that I never thought I would hear. I still remember wanting to rush into the school, find Guinevere and take her home where she would be safe. “Where is she?” I asked him, hearing my voice slowly starting to shake from fear. “She’s inside, I was just with her,” I remember Carter telling me as he walked towards me and grabbed my hands, letting me feel those rugged fingers of his that would be able to play multiple pieces on the piano just from sight reading. 

“It happened yesterday - Maverick and I were witnesses. However, I would highly suggest that you only tell Daniel,” I still remember hearing Carter say in that gentle voice of his, before checking his watch on his left wrist, only to realize the time and that he was going to be late if he didn’t get moving - and I needed to go home and tell Daniel what happened. But I honestly don’t know why Carter wouldn’t want me to tell Levi the truth - I didn’t want to believe that they were keeping secrets from me. Especially if it’s about Guinevere, because I have every right to know the truth if something happened. 

“Mom?” I hear Levi ask as he opens Guinevere’s bedroom door slightly, revealing to see me deep in thought from the conversation I never thought I would have with Carter two months prior. It is now April, Guinevere is 18, and there is still no gift from Erica. What happened between the two of them? “Dad’s making breakfast,” Levi tells me. He wears a checkered grey plaid shirt and dark jeans that go well with his dark hair. “I’ll be down in a minute,” I tell Levi, before staring at Guinevere’s dresser, only to find the spot where the roses that she got from Maverick were gone. I guess there’s some things in life we’ll never understand.

“Thinking about Guinevere?” Levi asks me before entering and sitting beside me on my left. “Yeah,” I silently let out. I’m glad she’s no longer with Anthony, but now I’m starting to rethink that. “I was the first person that Anthony came to after she broke up with him,” Levi tells me as he reaches his right arm around my back as support, probably thinking that’ll help me. But it doesn’t. “But what if Anthony was the only person who loved her and we’re too late?” I hear myself ask Levi, with my voice trembling from words I never thought I’d ask. 

Guinevere, there’s love around here if you’ll just look around. I know life can get hard, but I’m a living example of someone who’s survived high school. “We’re never too late,” I hear Levi tell me, using those blue eyes of his as a gesture of love instead of a present of knives, which is what it normally comes across as. “Are you going to come down?” He asks me, standing up from the bed and reaching his right hand out towards me. I may not be in the mood to eat, but I for sure needed to get out of the room. If I stare at Guinevere’s dresser for any longer I know I’ll explode into a million tears, and we wouldn’t be able to pick up the pieces. Past the hall, I look over the faded glass that overlooks the pool, only to see Guinevere swimming back and forth, wall to wall, ducking her head into the water and swimming like a mermaid. Some days I worry that when she swims, her head will go into the water but won’t come back up. 

Heading down the stairs nearest the laundry room (the set of stairs that goes all the way to the basement), I see Daniel making pancakes in the kitchen, with a red hand towel draped over his right shoulder and pan in the other hand, he takes the pancakes off and puts them on a plate as Levi sits down at the island. 

“That smells good,” I tell Daniel as I sit down on the grey leather sectional that sits on the Tiffany blue rug, facing the electric cobblestone fireplace. However, Daniel and Levi came over to the sectional with plates of pancakes drenched in maple syrup. “Did you want some?” Daniel asks me with a mouth full, staring at me with those blue eyes that Levi got from him. Today his hair was a little more brown than normal - sometimes the shampoo does it. “I’m not hungry,” I let out in a low whisper so they could still hear me, but felt a little more personal. I didn’t feel like eating when Guinevere was all I was thinking about. When Levi finished his breakfast, he put his plate in the kitchen, but walked straight to the basement - probably to swear at the computer. Daniel had placed his plate in the sink, but sat back down beside me on my left. “What’s bothering you?” Daniel asks me, showing his buttoned blue shirt and dark jeans. “Guinevere,” I finally let out in a sigh. I couldn’t bear the thought of Anthony hitting her being the reason she broke up with him. “He had no right to hit her - but it was all just going to be a specific amount of time before she broke up with him,” Daniel tells me, making my rage rise up inside of me. How could he say that?

“Daniel - how can you say something like that?” I ask him after standing up with my voice raising at him, hearing my voice starting to tremble from fear. “They’re not meant for one another!” I hear Daniel raise words that I never thought he would say to me after standing up. Those blue eyes of his were no longer inviting, but were instead darts of steel, trying to keep me from entering in. “Okay yes - they may not be meant for one another, but he was the only one that kept her here, a reason for her to stay,” I tell Daniel as the thought of Guinevere becoming suicidal because of this creeps into my mind - the last thought my brain needs right now. “I’ve been more worried about her now,” I tell Daniel as I lower my voice so Guinevere couldn’t hear my voice scream at him. “There are times where I think that when she’s swimming, her head will go in but won’t come back up,” I finally admitted to Daniel, letting the tears fall out and onto his shirt.

I can’t bear the thought of losing Guinevere.

She’s my daughter, I will love her for eternity. 

But even if she can’t see that right now, she should know that there are people who would be there for her. I know Maverick had tried, but he apparently failed at doing that, because Guinevere went back into Anthony’s arms - the last arms that she’ll embrace…

No, I shouldn’t be thinking that…

…

Losing my daughter because of suicide is the last thing that I should be thinking of right now, but it’s engraved into my head like a never-ending question that wants an answer and won’t give up until it does. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I let out, hearing my voice tremble while breaking at the same time as Daniel holds me in. “She needs a therapist,” Daniel finally tells me. I had been waiting for the day he would tell me those words. Whatever is going on in Guinevere’s head, she needs to get it out, because if she doesn’t let them out, she’s going to drown into her own thoughts - like an ocean that may seem captivating at first but can’t get out of because it’s taken you over and is swimming you towards the bottom like you have no choice. 

“Mom? Dad?” I heard Levi ask from behind us as he entered back into the room. “What is it Levi?” Daniel asks him, placing himself as the stronger man. “I’m going to talk to Anthony,” Levi tells me - forcing the thought that I didn’t want back into my head. 

“Why?” Daniel asks him as he holds me in his arms. “Clearly Anthony has not gotten over the break-up. He needs a friend,” Levi eventually tells us. I guess that makes more sense. “Don’t try to get them back together,” I eventually tell Levi after grabbing some courage that was left inside of me. I felt like I was pinned down and my own thoughts were my own swords, preventing me from getting up. “I know,” Levi tells me. “However, before I go, I need to tell you guys something. It’s about Guinevere and Carter,” Levi tells me, and the feeling of dread came back into my head, throwing me back onto the ground. “It happened a while ago and I haven’t said anything ever since, but at one of the parties that we had with people from church over,” Levi started. “The night that Carter got drunk?” Daniel had cut him off. “I wasn’t finished - but yes that night,” Levi muttered in a low whisper, acting like he was on the verge of swearing, but apparently wasn’t, and when he doesn’t, we know he’s about to get very serious. 

“I think Carter took advantage of her,” Levi tells me, causing my feelings of dread to take over, that I have no choice but to sit down, cause I would lash out at Levi. “Hold on - are you sure?” Daniel asked him with his voice coming out more worried than usual. “I saw him on top of her with his pants down. I got him out of the room, but he didn’t deny,” Levi admits to Daniel and I. 

Not Carter too…

I thought I could trust him, but now he takes advantage of my daughter?

“Hold on. Does Guinevere remember?” Daniel asked Levi, staring straight at him with that worried look on his face that wasn’t going away. “I don’t think so,” Levi had muttered out loud while running his right hand through his hair, only to put his hands in his jean pockets. “You need to talk to her before saying anything to anyone,” Daniel finally admitted, saying the words that I couldn’t tell Levi. My words were too busy keeping me down. 

But what I don’t understand is why Erica and Guinevere stopped talking. Is this why? But that wouldn’t make any sense. If Carter took advantage of Guinevere, she would’ve told Erica, causing her to leave Carter, and their friendship would’ve been strengthened, not torn down. So maybe something else was said.

…

…

There are too many people keeping secrets from me, and I’m sick and tired of it. Levi kept this secret from me of Carter possibly taking advantage of Guinevere, there’s the secret of why Erica and Guinevere stopped talking, Guinevere not letting me read her diary,  and Carter not explaining why him and Maverick were in the room when Anthony hit her - why didn’t he report it or go to the Principal and tell what happened? Is it because he likes her more than he leads on? And the fact that Eliana avoids talking about Guinevere when it’s just the two of us makes me want to know the truth. 

People keep lying to me and I want it to stop…

I just want it all to stop…

I just want everything to go the way I want it to. I want Guinevere to be with Maverick - someone who I know can be there for her and be a shoulder for her to cry on. Levi shouldn’t be swearing at the computer and instead doing schoolwork. Anthony shouldn’t have hit Guinevere. Carter shouldn’t have taken advantage of Guinevere. 

Without saying anything, Levi leaves the house and walks towards Anthony’s, where he would get to in about an hour.

But I kept seeing the day that Guinevere would burst through the door all happy, with her hair changed back to the normal short brown hair that she used to have, and would tell me all about how her first date with Maverick went - both of us silently waiting for the many days of when he would ask her to move in with him, he would propose, the two of them get married, and the day when she would tell me she was pregnant with his kid. 

But now it won’t happen. 

Not with how life is looking for her. 

Some days it looks more like she won’t breathe again… 

It’s all going to be a certain amount of time until her head doesn’t come up for air…

It’s only going to be time until her head goes down in the water but won’t come back up…